A Critic, A Worrier, and a Perfectionist Walk Into A Bar…

…and walk out with a sobering shot of reality.

More on how they were served in a minute.

Let’s be honest.

Do you hit the bottle when feeling anxious?

A report from the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ) finds that about 20 percent of Americans with an alcohol abuse disorder have an anxiety disorder.

Maybe you’re reading this from an establishment serving alcohol…

Bartender is practically synonymous with shrink, right?

Types of Negative Self-Talk

Setting: A bar in Downtown Anywhere at 5:07 pm:

The Worrier: (Plopping down on a stool). Gawd, I thought I’d never make it with the traffic. I almost got killed five times trying to cross the street.

Bartender: Hey Mr. W. Nice to see you. Will it be the usual?

The Worrier: Hang on. Let me catch my breath. For a minute, I thought my racing heartbeat signaled the onset of another panic attack. Because THAT wouldn’t be humiliating, would it?

Bartender: Hold on a sec…what’s the medical evidence that panic attacks cause heart attack, anyway? A panic attack, however uncomfortable is not dangerous to your heart.

Enter the Critic, shaking her head and mumbling to herself.

The Critic: You idiot! Now that was a stupid move. You’d think after ten years on the job, you’d get it right.

The Worrier: What happened? Did you lose your job?

The Critic: Nah…forgot the plans for tomorrow’s meeting with the structural engineer. Jared would never do this.

The Worrier: You wouldn’t lose your job for something like that, would you?

Bartender: Good evening, Ms. C. Will it be the usual?

The Critic: No. I’ll take a glass of Perrier to start. The way my day is going, I’d probably drink myself into oblivion before 7:00 pm.

Bartender: Take your time. There’s nothing like the present to clear your mind and accept the here-and-now.

The Critic: I don’t have time to focus on now when I’m so consumed with mistakes. When I look back, I can’t help but regret almost all my choices in life.

The Worrier: And don’t forget about the future. If you don’t plan ahead, you’ll end up penniless and sleeping on the street.

Bartender: (Shaking his head) Alright, you two. I’ve  got some new customers, but before I skedaddle, let’s do a bit of breathing to regulate your anxious minds. Remember the 4-8-4 we did last week? Inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of eight, and exhale for a count of four. Do that at least three times, okay?

The Worrier: Gawd. I don’t get how he stays so calm. I bet he takes Xanax before work.

The Critic: Yeah. If I wasn’t so scatterbrained, I’d call the doctor for a refill of Ativan.

The Worrier: Oh, look. Here comes your cousin.

The Perfectionist: Sorry I’m late. I should’ve left earlier. Let me buy this round. I really should be more on top of things.

Countering Negative Self-Talk

Bartender: Alright guys, I’m back. Hey-who died? You look like you’re at a funeral.

The Perfectionist: Seriously. What can you recommend to cure these anxious thoughts about not bringing in the sales like I used to?

Bartender: What about starting with the idea that it’s okay to make mistakes? Life is too short to be taken so seriously.

The Worrier: What about me? Whatta ya got for the what ifs…

Bartender: Can you be more specific?

The Worrier: What if I panic and lose complete control of myself? Or what if I start stammering in the middle of my speech?

The Critic: That would suck. I’d feel like a loser if I had a panic attack. And stammering is synonymous with idiot, disappointment, and incompetent.

The Perfectionist: I know what you mean. ‘I should have worked harder,’ and ‘I must overcome this obstacle’ are mantras I’m forever repeating to myself.

Bartender: Whoa. Okay. I’ve been patient and understanding for the past few months whenever you come in here to drown your sorrows. Why not order up a real intervention this time? As in, something that may not taste so good initially, but will take the edge off until things like reframe, positive thoughts, lifestyle changes, and acceptance are part of your daily routine?

The Worrier, The Critic, and The Perfectionist: Huh?

Bartender: Look. It’s not business-wise to say this, but alcohol just makes you feel more anxious. Sure, it’s a quick fix, but it’s just that. What I can serve you is a bit of critical thinking to counter your fixation with the negative self-talk. Next time you’re catastrophizing, criticizing, and blaming, try this:

The Anti-Anxiety Busters:

1. What is the evidence for this?
2. Is this always true?
3. Has this been true in the past?
4. What are the odds of this really happening or being true?
5. What is the worst thing that could happen? What is so bad about that? What would I do if the worst happened?
6. Am I looking at the whole picture?
7. Am I being fully objective?

The Perfectionist: Wow. That’s sobering. I guess I do start most sentences with ‘I should,’ or ‘I have to.’

The Critic: I’ll drink to that. It’s time to stop beating myself up.

The Worrier: Number four really resonates. So what do you call this anyway?

Bartender: I can’t take full credit. Socrates believed in exposing a negative argument to rational investigation through questioning. I never thought of a name for this concoction, but in the spirit of countering negative thoughts in order to feel more confident, productive, and worthy, let’s toast to Anti-Anxiety On the Rocks.

Cheers!

***

What about you?

Any bartenders/former bartenders in the house?

What do you serve up to combat anxiety when you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed?

Please leave comments below. And if you liked this post, please share on your favorite social media site:).

Thanks for stopping by,

~Linda

{Photo: virginiamae via Flickr}