A Teen, His 41-Year Old Grandad, and the Yale Grad
I’m lining up lavender and frankincense oils in preparation for the “Natural Stress Reduction” workshop last Saturday, when a teenage volunteer walks in the room.
“Uh, excuse me…what’s stress reduction about? Does it help you relax?” he asks, while looking behind him to make sure nobody sees that he’s talking to a shrink.
“I’m going to discuss how to relax your mind without taking meds for anxiety and depression,” I say. “And what sleep has to do with stress, safety, and moods.”
“Okay, yeah, I’m really stressed out. I have a lot of anger problems. I’m tired, too. I play soccer on three different teams–seven days a week–I never get a break,” he goes on, still checking his back.
“Wow. That sounds like a brutal schedule. This workshop will teach you to relax by focusing on breathing deeply to calm your body and your mind, plus how to visualize and think positive thoughts when you’re anxious. Why don’t you stick around?” I ask.
“Okay–lemme get my mom. She’s stressed, too. Her birthday’s tomorrow–she’s turning 26. And my grandfather–he’s 41, maybe he wants to come in. Yeah, I have a lot of stress….”
Don’t we all baby doll, don’t we all.
Do the math. If “John” is 13…
Such is life in East Los Angeles, California. It’s odd how you don’t react to the generational teen parent thing when you’ve been around it so long.
Sadly, you’re in it for a minute, as you take in the youthful energy and the hope that things could be different for this kid, but then you go about your day.
Driving home, I reflect on the workshop and smile because the participants liked learning about belly breathing (as opposed to chest breathing) to ward off anxiety and panic. They were shocked to learn that Americans on average consume 120 pounds of sugar per year. The teens scoffed when I quoted research studies which recommend 9.25 hours of sleep per night.
I recall that John didn’t return with his mother or grandfather.
As I hang a right on Huntington Drive, an image of the recently killed Yale graduate adorably dressed in a yellow pea coat, pops in my head.
Marina Keegan, a promising journalist and playwright, was set to work at the New Yorker magazine this month. She was riding in her boyfriend’s car a few days after graduation, heading to her dad’s birthday party when her boyfriend fell asleep at the wheel.
In broad daylight.
No sign of drugs, alcohol, or speeding.
He was tired.
He needed more sleep.
John needs more sleep, too. He’s tired, but not in the way the 22 year old Yale graduates were tired. John didn’t spend the previous week packing up his apartment in New Haven before embarking on a whirlwind of countless celebrations and endless possibilities. John’s fatigue results from the belief that soccer is his only hope.
Or maybe he’s tired of the pressure to continue the family bloodlines.
The world doesn’t always make sense.
But adequate rest does.
Don’t forget your precious sleep.
It could save your life.
***
And you thought last week’s post was a bitch of a topic…:(.
How much of a priority is sleep for you?
What’s your ideal number of hours per night?
Please leave feedback in the comments box below–you never know when the “lurkers” are listening.
I’d be grateful if you shared this sleep message on your favorite social media site. And if you feel so inclined, please send prayers/positive vibes to the Keegan family.
Thank you,
~Linda
I'm an Anxiety Saboteur who loves to help people resolve their emotional baggage. As a therapist in Los Angeles, CA for the past 13 years, I've seen too many lovely people suffer needlessly. I believe healthy boundaries are the key to happiness, and every parent should be BFF with the word 'no.' If you are looking for honest, straightforward anxiety solutions, you’ve come to the right place.
Hi Linda and all-
Whoa. This is sad, as in a slap-in-the-face for a 24 year old English Lit major.
First, 1,0000 Hail Mary’s to the Keegan’s. Second, and please do not judge, but this generation believes that we can accomplish anything, come what may. Whether it’s youth or a sign of the times, we’re NOT perfect.
I’m sorry if you disagree, but like all generations before, we are young; yes, smart and (if you will) privileged,) but we’re just kids at the end of the day. We’re trying to find our way.
We WILL make mistakes.
That’s our youth-given right, no?
If I flub that interview, please know that I’m a 20-something.
R.I.P. Marina and the others.
Hey Jullisa–
If we could all turn back the 20-something clock…
You’re a bright, insightful girl and I don’t have the answers to your insightful queries.
“You’re only young once.” or the (tired and true), “Youth is wasted on the young,” sayings will have to suffice for this tired psychotherapist.
Thank you for the youthful contribution
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Linda Esposito would like you to check out…Why Hope’s a Bitch
Yeah, I’m realizing the importance of sleep as I get older. When I was young, it seemed like I could skate by without too much effect. But now, I need to get regular sleep or I get depressed. At least now I recognize the depression for what it is, and make myself go to bed early when I see the signs.
Here’s one thing I’d love to have you address: how to go to bed at a reasonable time when your spouse doesn’t want to? We live in a very small 2 bedroom flat in London, so my husband’s computer is in our bedroom. Fine most of the time, but I often have to nag and nag to get him to go to bed at a reasonable time. Should I just go to bed on the couch? But then I have to move in the middle of the night and it gives me back problems. My husband knows I need the sleep, but he just can’t seem to break away from video games and surfing the internet.
Jen Gresham would like you to check out…Is It Too Late To Change Careers?
Hi Jen–
Good for you for recognizing that you’re body and mind are not able to handle sleep deprivation as when you were younger. I simply cannot function without sleep, and my irritability, anxiety and snappiness spike when I skimp on sleep.
Very good question about you and your husband’s different bed times. It sounds like the nagging is not working; as it usually does not. I might try sitting down with him during the day, or on the weekend, and communicate how much your sleep (and subsequent health and moods) suffers when he is on the computer. Clean, clear and non-defensive language, with your objective/sleep solution included.
I would set a marriage rule around this one: “From now on, you’ll have to stop using the computer by fill-in-the-blank hour during the week. We can move your computer into the living room if you’re not willing to do this for me” (really for “us” since your good mood and restful sleep positively affect your relationship).
Or,
Get an iPad (if you don’t have one), since it’s portable and great for web surfing and video games.
It sounds like huz needs to unwind before bed, so this ritual is needed. It’s a lot easier for him to use a different computer, than for you to “use a different bed.” I would not compromise on this one Jen, sleep is really a deal breaker. I wouldn’t sleep on the sofa and then get up in the middle of the night, either.
A compromise might be the weekends, but during the work week, not so.
Good luck! I imagine London is a remarkable place to live
.
Linda Esposito would like you to check out…The Head Case Against Mental Health
Lack of sleep leads to all sorts of ugly things — weight gain, depression, anxiety, premature aging. And then people (esp. teens and young adults)self medicate with caffeine, sugar, alcohol and drugs.
And it amazes me how many people go day after day with lousy sleep. It’s one things to have a late night here or there, another to have EVERY night be late, or up early, up and down all night, kids in the bed (at ages where they are really just too big to be sharing a bed with adults). And folks know this isn’t healthy, but don’t do much to shift or change. “It’s just easier to keep it this way” they say, when I suggest a few nights of adjusting to a new sleep routine.
Sleep is a health issue, just like eating, wearing a seat belt and a bike helmet. Funny that we can legislate wearing a seat belt, but a good night’s sleep is up to us.
Susan Giurleo would like you to check out…Remembering What’s Most Important In Your Life
I agree with Jen. Sleep is much more important to me now than when I was younger. I recently cut my caffeine intake in half. That one thing has been so helpful in falling asleep at night and feeling better during the day.
Thanks for all you do Linda online and off to help people with stress and anxiety!
Uriah Guilford would like you to check out…What’s Underneath That Anger? Boys and Emotional Intelligence
Sleep is so important. The amount I need has changed during my life many times. Currently, my body wakens after about 7 and asks for 15-20 minute nap in the afternoon. (Given that I was not a napper as a child, that would surprise my parents.)
It is also important to note some illness do change the quality and quantity of sleep. If you notice changes, ask your doctor.
Sleep is very important for me. I really do need to go to bed at 9 and get up at 6 but that doesnt always happen. I was very busy these past few months, and I ended up working late, coming home and needing to unwind by watching tv or surfing the web, then getting up for 9 am appts as well. I’m glad that we did nto encourage my son to join tons of stuff, actually we discouraged him..he was playign ice hockey when he was younger..it was ridiculous. Practices were late; they didn’t end until 10 pm ..it was nuts. I’m glad he dropped that sport which is basically legalized assault…Everyone is chronically tired and wired on caffeine nowadays. I can only have one cup of decaf a day….I am pretty energetic on my own!
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) would like you to check out…BirthTouch® Book Proofs Have Arrived this Weekend!
That’s a tragic story about the Yale graduates. I had a buddy in college who fell asleep at the wheel, and killed his passenger as a result. I feel for the boyfriend almost as much as the parents of Marina.
No parent should ever bury their child.
Thank you Linda. I will pass on this important message.
[...] And from Linda Esposito, this touching reflection both the power of doing self care by meeting our core biological needs to breathe and rest–and the painful consequences that can result when those needs aren’t met. [...]