Does the Word No Make My Butt Look Big?
“If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross I really don’t care. At least I have a butt.” ~Kim Kardashian
I received a call from a prospective client who could not afford therapy.
“I appreciate you taking the time to refer me to other counseling resources…but could you please offer just one tip that would help me get ahead in life?”
She was so earnest, so in need, and I had two minutes until my next client arrived.
“Boundaries” I blurted. “Know your boundaries. Get comfortable with saying ‘No.’”
Confession: I love the word No…almost as much as I adore chocolate, a healthy reframe, and my nine year old son.
I only wish we met while I was single and in my twenties. I don’t know about you, but I feel that life started to make sense when I became confident and comfortable with No.
To reach that point of life, I had to break up with Yes.
It was a long, dramatic, and tortuous split.
In the end, I lost that yes-fat.
Hopefully you will too 
.
For more tips on how to become BFF with NO, click here, here, and here.
Although women make up the majority of the “does my butt look big in this?” conundrum, many men could benefit from shaping and toning the no muscles.
Work out the No
Like running a 5K, working out the no is challenging the first few times.
Why don’t we like No?
- It’s not exactly a tongue twister.
- It’s fairly universal.
- There are no shades of gray.
- It’s extremely common.
- It’s direct.
- Maybe that’s why…
Tone that No
- When you say No to something you don’t enjoy, you say Yes to what is important
- When you say No to a job you don’t love, you say Yes to your dream occupation
- When you say No to people you don’t like, you say Yes to fulfilling relationships
- When you say No to overtime, you say Yes to social and family time
Now drop and give me 10 reasons to be one with No:
1. Know that No is nice
As in nice when people behave in a way that is consistent with how they feel. Do you really want Burned-out-Bess watching your toddler if she’s depressed over the break-up with her boyfriend?
Me neither.
2. Clarify your vision
When you know your goal you know what fits and what does not. The more clear the vision, the easier it is to say No.
3. Think like an executive
Fire all menial tasks which can be delegated. There’s no need to say yes just because someone asks for a favor. These little tasks add up over time. With every small chore eating up 15-20 minutes, you’ll easily burn up a few hours a week.
4. Realize no is sexy
No communicates “I have boundaries. I don’t have to explain myself 24/7.” Plus, it’s cool to be mysterious.
5. Be respectful
Many avoid No because they think it’s disrespectful. It’s all about how you say No rather than the act of saying No. Be respectful in your reply and value the other person’s point of view.
6. Keep it simple
Save the dissertation for the doctoral students. Sometimes a simple “No, thank you,” “I’m sorry it doesn’t meet my needs at the moment”, and “I have other priorities and I can’t work on this now” are sufficient.
7. Use your favorite medium
Use the medium that works for you – face-to-face, IM, SMS, email, or phone call.
8. Be less accessible
If you happened to skim too quickly over #4…there’s nothing wrong with a little “me time.” Honestly, does the school teacher need to know you took a “mental health day” when you opted to skip the Tuesday volunteer duties? I imagine there are other non-working parents he can hit up…
9. Rehearse your No
If your exceptional upbringing simply abhorred the crass directness of our little friend, write out what’s on your mind. If you’re confused or ambiguous, continue typing until you’ve formulated a clear-ass No. Btw, you may want to edit your final message. Make friends with #3. Nobody has time for Chatty Cathy or TMI Tim.
10. Take a time out
If the word No is as alien as well, an alien, take it slow. You may benefit from standing in front of the bathroom mirror and repeating ‘No.’
We all start somewhere.
Last minute cool down:
You won’t shape and tone your No if you merely go through the motions.
Muscle growth requires resistance by adding weight and intensity.
You may prefer 100 lunge squats over interpersonal confrontation, butt…where there’s little pain, there’s little gain.
For all the Kim Kardashians out there:
1) What’s wrong with a big butt anyway?
2) Rock your assets and thank the maker for those two sturdy pillars which support you under the weight of life’s downturns.
Even if the naysayers make fun, at least you have a No.
***
Any ‘No’ tips you would like to contribute?
Thanks for sharing,
~Linda
{Photo: Brent_Zupp via Flickr}
I'm an Anxiety Saboteur who loves to help people resolve their emotional baggage. As a therapist in Los Angeles, CA for the past 13 years, I've seen too many lovely people suffer needlessly. I believe healthy boundaries are the key to happiness, and every parent should be BFF with the word 'no.' If you are looking for honest, straightforward anxiety solutions, you’ve come to the right place.
Love your sense of humor! Great reminder that “no” and “boundaries” are a good thing. Keeping focus is a good thing. Also, having an open heart is a good thing, too. Need to balance!
thanks, K
Thanks, Kathy–forgot the heart focus. We can’t efficiently work out unless the heart is pumping too:).
If someone is saying NO to what I want, then their butt looks big.
)
This is a terrific post Linda. Your 10 points about saying no are important ones. I particularly like #1 – saying no is being nice. Too many people have it in their head or gut that not saying yes is not being nice – therefore they don’t say no.
When you said something about “do you want your teenager to be depressed” I thought of this story. A few weeks ago I had my 3 year old granddaughter at the local pool. We were in the kids’ pool so it wasn’t deep but still plenty deep enough to drown in. There was a teenager who was obviously babysitting a young kid who was in the pool and she kept yelling at him to get out or stop this or that but she wouldn’t get in the pool. Guess she didn’t want to get her legs wet. That kid needed to learn to put “legs” on her “no” because the way she did it was meaningless.
Hey Cherry–
When it comes to parenting your child or someone else’s (in the above example) stating what your expectation is must be clear and concise. Another important step is to ensure that you and the child are looking into one another’s eyes. Physical proximity is a must.
It can be difficult for teens to get their “no” legs wet, so I guess I would put the onus on the parent who hires the sitter. Spending 15 minutes reviewing how to set a rule translates into a less frustrated teen and child.
Thanks for sharing that story:).
Linda Esposito (@TalkTherapyBiz) would like you to check out…Artificial Scarcity
Hey Linda,
Just what I needed! I have such a trouble saying no; I really don’t know why! It has got me into a lot of wanted tasks and chores and too much work also but I have such a hard time saying a firm no… maybe I should try out these! Thanks so much, couldn’t have been more perfectly timed!
Hajra would like you to check out…Really, who are we again?
Hajra–
From one mental health practitioner to another–we all need to practice (and remember!) what we preach. Yeah, breaking up with Yes was an epiphany. It’ll come girl, it’ll come.
Congrats again on the http://www.weblogbetter.com gig!
Linda Esposito (@TalkTherapyBiz) would like you to check out…Hey Mom and Dad! Check Out My Blood Alcohol Level…
Terrific post. So true about the yes love-affairs when we’re in our 20s and 30s. So many never break up as you say. I remember reading a brea-through book that gave me my no back. It was called: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. It’s an easy read with a ton of scenarios and actual conversations to learn from. I give it a big YES. Thanks, Linda.
Dawn–
Thanks for the reading tip–I’ll have to check out When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Sounds like a good recommendation for clients.
Glad you broke up with Yes, as well:).
Linda Esposito (@TalkTherapyBiz) would like you to check out…Does the Word No Make My Butt Look Big?
Oh, I loved this post. There’s that word again ‘boundaries.
I am much better saying no now – and you’re right, it is partially a skill and partially about self respect. I went on so many dates I wasn’t interested in when I was young because I couldn’t bear to say that word. Yikes! Thank god I’m married now and don’t have to worry about it anymore. If I ever found myself single again, I think I’d stay at home with my cats. They ignore my ‘no’ word but somehow their utter self-righteousness doesn’t offend me when they do.
Alison Golden – The Secret Life of a Warrior Woman would like you to check out…30 Effortless Ways To Exercise Without Even Noticing
Hi Alison–
Yes–there’s that word again–boundaries!!
You made me think of two trends–women who say yes to dating for the sake of politeness, and men who say “I’ll call you” but have no intention of doing so. Sometimes it’s just plain nice and classy to find your ‘no.’
Thanks for stopping by:).
Linda Esposito (@TalkTherapyBiz) would like you to check out…Taking A Psychological Trip Around The World Domination Summit
Wonderful post Linda! Reminds me of children learning no before yes. I there is no “NO” how can they learn to say “YES” and truly mean it?
irenesavarese would like you to check out…The # 1 Secret To A Positive Couples Therapy Experience.
My struggle with no comes with parenting. I say it – A LOT – and maybe at a certain point I just start feeling worn down. I don’t know. But it is interesting and mind-numbingly annoying the guilt or worry I sometimes feel saying no to my girls. It’s almost always a food thing too. It doesn’t help that one of them is off the charts for height and barely on the upper end for weight while the other is barely on the lowest end for weight. Shit! I’ve been getting a little bit of distance lately and thereby some perspective – but it tears me apart with worry at times!
Miriam would like you to check out…Incompatibility or Gridlock?
That’s an interesting dilemma, Miriam. I was talking with a neighbor about her kids’ issues with food. Now, you know I don’t mean to bring in Freud here, b/c I’m sure you realize it’s your issue, too…
If I understand correctly, one of your girls is heavier, while the other is more thin…? That’s a tough one b/c one would need more restricted eating and increased supervision, while the other not so much. Hmmm…I think it’s about being genuine and acknowledging that both have different metabolisms and food intake (or restriction) needs.
The key is not to make it into a game of comparing and gaining up on the daughter who needs to cut back on food and exercise more. I imagine the thinner kid could benefit from cutting back in one area of her life (for example, TV time, gossiping, time required for completing household chores, etc.).
I’m a big fan of getting the family involved so that everyone shares label reading, a walk after dinner, cutting back on the white stuff ( I know, soooo hard to restrict pasta, bread, rice and other yummy carbs
…).
As my neighbor and I sadly commented, better to get the food issues out in the open and genuinely addressed before the “mean girls” at middle school begin to chime in…
Good luck Miriam, and thanks for sharing:).
Linda Esposito (@TalkTherapyBiz) would like you to check out…Hey Mom and Dad! Check Out My Blood Alcohol Level…
I said “no” to my high school best friend shortly after college. We grew apart, I was closer to other people who really didn’t like her all that much, and she always abandoned our friendship when she had a boyfriend. So, I sort of just parted ways. 10 years later and I still have guilt dreams about once per month. BUT! My personal life with my friends is outstanding they are my family – my sisters. Not sure it would have been like that if I had kept her in my life.
Susan@PrimalRecipe would like you to check out…Intermittent Fasting for Weight Loss as Part of a Primal Lifestyle
But Liiiiiindaaaaaaaaa; “NO” is not “Niiiiiiiiice”….
But, like you say, it’s one of the best, healthiest, boudaryest (just made that one up) words you can learn to use. It’s great for families, clients, kids, pets, insurance companies…. No, nyet, nein, uh uh, etc is one of the best darned words in the world – ESPECIALLY when you combine it with, “and let me briefly tell you why.”
I think the “…tell you why” part really fits with what Miriam described. I know in our house of two girls, one woman, and poor little old me, healthy food choices (notice no “D-word”) and frequent activity/exercise are the attitudes we try to share and the behaviors we try to model. My sweethearts are ‘only’ 7 and 9, but we have shared a lot about exercise, team sports, ‘fast food bad’, whole foods vs. food in a box, label reading etc., and they seem to get it. That’s not to say their attitudes might not change when the “mean girls” get a hold of them; but passing on healthy eating habits is much easier when it’s a life style, and not a teaching lesson.
If you are looking for some fun resources; I really recommend Morgan Spurlock’s Supersize Me movie, and Kessler’s The End to Overeating book. When I say these are “fun” resources, I think I may really mean “terrifying enough to force you to change your behavior”…
Enjoy!
Thanks Linda for supporting the NO word. We are often advised not to use the NO word but saying Yes to all and everything can complicate life and your mind and eventually your body…I know that first hand. It took me 38 years to be comfortable using the WORD NO…and I like it. I guess everyone prefers the yes sir yes ma’am type person but I now prefer hearing NO and having being straight forward and having fun and loving boundaries. Great blog
Hey Ricky-
Thanks for the No support–maybe we should start an initiative…:).
I completely relate to coming into my No way too late in the game. I agree that our society has a tendency to overdo it when it comes to saying Yes. There’s a lot of encouragement to practice loose boundaries–and we all know what an overstressed central nervous system that results in.
Thanks for contributing:).
[...] a ton of great information. I particularly appreciated this post, which reminds us that we can strengthen our “no” muscle, and practice setting appropriate [...]
I absolutely loved this post. As another therapist, I must agree that if there was on thing I would give my clients, it would be the ability to say “no”, mean it and stick to it (without feeling guilty). Life is short and if we don’t say no to the things we don’t want to do we are willingly sacrificing the things we do want to do. It reminds me of Seth Godin’s “The Dip.” Great Job, Linda.
Amber Lewter would like you to check out…5 Ways to improve your relationship right now
Hi Amber–
Yay! I love “The Dip.” And you’re so right–the word “no” belongs in every therapist’s tool kit. No without the guilt–now there’s a blog post right there…
Thanks for contributing:).
Linda Esposito (@TalkTherapyBiz) would like you to check out…Why I’m Divorcing Depression, and Embracing Anxiety
I still have a hard time with NO (bad); probably because my butt is exactly the same as always (good). Recently, I said NO to a friend who wanted me to give his mother a job as my receptionist. An Irish lady with a history of drunken brawls and sempiternal snarkiness (which was justified to me as “the Irish sense of humor”, duh.) but who speaks four languages and, via her son, promised to condone for past sins in this “last shot” at gainful employment at an age when people have already retired. Her son promised that she would be an asset, and my inicial NO was degraded and finally set aside for the irresistible “maybe you can make a positive change in this lady´s sad life, Kris”. Uhm… well… I guess… uhm… Yes.
The moral of the story is that I should have stuck to the NO. It would have saved me a nasty drama when I finally fired her. The good side is that her son is no longer my friend. Just because it all made me realize that he never really was and to hell with people who use me for their own personal agendas and then can´t even begin to understand why I finally put my foot down.
Saying NO from the beginning commands others to respect you. Saying YES, even for the noblest of motives, but against your better instincts, discredits you and turns you into the heartless villain when that NO finally has no choice but to come out. You are so right, Linda, and this was a great article. I only wish that I had read it sooner. But now I have, and there will be time and life aplenty to get the NO right: gracious, firm and resistent to even hot water with bleach.
Gabriel García Márquez said something to the effect of: “I understood that I had finally grown up when I started to say “no”, because it was NO.”
I will keep those words and your insightful tips close to heart. Saying NO only stings for a second; saying YES when it should have been NO can turn out to be quite painful.
[...] of the authentic self. And sadly, the absence of an authentic existence means you’re living an anxious and unsatisfied [...]