Facebook: Happy Faces and Depressed Teens
“Facebook is where you lie to your friends.” ~Anonymous
The reason you kid is sad, possibly even depressed, when visiting Facebook goes something like this: Viewing images of smiling, happy friends makes her feel like Sara’s life is so much more exciting.
And when he reads the status updates from Frank, the school’s star fullback, he judges that life is unfair.
But rather than log-off and call upon a real friend to offer some authentic perspective, they continue to click on page, after blissful page.
~According to Corbett, around 10% (or 40 million) of Facebook users are teenage school children.
~75% of American teens reported they have a Facebook page, while 27% are “super users” who check the social media platform continuously throughout the day.
~A recent study by Utah Valley University found that the more time young people spent online, the worse they judged the accuracy of others’ level of happiness. Sadly, the long-term users believe “Many of my friends have a better life than me,” and “Life is unfair.”
The problem is your teen lacks life experience and the frame of reference to know that when others expend so much emotional energy (+ Photoshop) telling you how happy, successful, and awesome their life is, the truth likely means they’re not livin’ so large.
Yes, social media platforms like Facebook can be wonderful for connecting and socializing online, as psychotherapist Uriah Guilford points out in this Facebook article about the cool kids. And connect they will…But what about the less socially adept kids who eat lunch in the library and never make the cut for the basketball team?
Does Facebook shame continue after sixth-period? What about weekends?
As a psychotherapist who counsels teens, I assure you that if your high-school aged kid is in my office, we’re likely talking about Facebook at some point. Sadly, the themes often revolve around exclusion, gossip, and stalking.
Talking to your teen about the dangers of anonymous online communication, and educating about cyber bullying, while limiting his time online are parental imperatives. Unfortunately, encouraging face-to-face contact, including the ever-important tool of reading body language to improve social skills and emotional intelligence plays second fiddle to the ‘like’ button.
Or as my 10 year-old chimed in about my (compulsive) habit of viewing Facebook status updates, “I don’t get Facebook…why don’t people just call each other?”
Hmm…probably because our friends don’t like us enough to bother, I thought.
And any young person can tell you that removing the “k” spells Lie.
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Is 13 years-old too young to have a Facebook page?
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Have a wonderful week,
~Linda
{Photo: dkalo}
Interesting text, and I have to say: sad, but true. I think, a 13-years old teenager is too young to create a Facebook account, these kids haven’t got any social experences, they would socialized by the Facebook, and this could damage their adult life and ability to make connections with real humans.
Thanks Catwoman (that your Facebook name?;))–
I agree, but try telling any self-righteous 13 y/o that…hopefully parents read the latest research on Facebook use. Then again, if news of the mom who posed as a teen and bullied that poor student who eventually took her life didn’t do it…
I work at an inner-city middle school and I frequently catch my students visiting online chats/Facebook, MySpace, during class time. Part of the problem lies in our school district’s policy for cell phones, which stipulates possession for emergency purposes only, but is really a joke. Tho, some of my students insist most social media messages are emergencies!
Thirteen years old is too young, too immature, and too plugged in. Period!
I used to do classroom presentations to middle-schoolers, and me and my co-facilitator would always poll the kids about the age limit (well, in theory) of FB–the majority had profiles and could tell you when the upcoming fights were scheduled, where, why…
I agree that we shouldn’t allow cell phones in schools. We survived all these years w/out and managed to get an education, right?
Thanks for sharing Melissa
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Admittedly, I’m not on Facebook and neither are my kids. That’s probably why when I first read, “Without the ‘k’….” I pictured, “Faceboo!”
I have many adult friends who wrangle with Facebook and the feelings generated while spending time there. If adults struggle with this, how can we assume kids are equipped to deal with it?
Jesse–You ARE my hero! No FB for you and the kids–that’s admirable, rare, and role model-worthy. I’m actually starting to like Facebook as a biz tool, and have found a way to not get lost in the trivial (well, most days…).
Who knows what the next cool thing will be when my son reaches that (godforsaken) teen milestone. If we could just keep ‘em young and innocent, right?
Linda, you’re scaring me. Only 15 months to go until 13…I will start preparing myself now. I already find one of my kids gets depressed after time on the computer. He has started to self-regulate his time – awesome, huh?
It always is the way of kids to believe other kids have it more exciting, more toys, more indulgent parents than their own (heck, I still believe that and I’m a grown-up!) and so to add yet more fuel to the fire is a challenge. We live in a society that distorts *everything* to make life all fantastic all the time and we lose perspective. Vigilance and real life experience perhaps? I feel I’m moving to a whole new world shortly, one I have very little experience of. Yikes! Hold my hand?
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Alison–
I will gladly hold hands with you as we navigate the impending teen years of our boys–Ugh! Maybe since you have two, you’ll get lucky…?
True that–this generation believes that life has to be fast moving, fast forward, and always exciting. Talk about mindlessness-antithetical.
I say we summon parents who’ve successfully navigated the Facebook conundrum and go from there…although——with the time we spend on Facebook, we’ll surely find the the cure :p.
We got this, baby!
Linda @talktherapybiz would like you to check out…This Is Not My Butt…
I really don’t know what to say. Powerful post and scary, particularly now that I have a 4 year old granddaughter. I can’t even imagine what will be available for her by the time she’s 13.
cherry woodburn would like you to check out…Day 13 Coming of Age at 62 | I have a dream. So can you.
I think she’s in good hands Cherry–how many grandchildren have such media savvy grandparents?
I agree with what Susan said, once we start using words like “scary” and “worried” we convey that the world is basically an unsafe place. Besides, you raised the two well-adjusted boys:).
Hm…I hear parental helplessness here. These issues have been around for teens forever. Ever read Little House on the Prairie? Weren’t those girls jealous of other kids who had better clothes?
As parents we have a lot to say about how our kids use social media and how it impacts them. We can set limits on time engaged in FB, insist on being our child’s friend so we can see what is going on in there. When the time comes I will have EVERY password for my son’s online accounts (or he won’t have online accounts at all).
And we need to educate, educate, educate. And talk, talk, talk.
Parents need to point out photoshopped material, have conversations about how everyone puts their best face forward online, brags and tells white lies. Check in on feelings and brainstorm social responses to situations on FB.
When parents use words like “scared” and “worried” about social media, the message we send our children is that we are overwhelmed and can’t protect them. They feel alone and unsupported, only leading them to do these social things more secretly than if we came out and stood with them as they explore.
This is the ‘new parenting.’ It’s complicated, but not impossible. Kids still need parents to guide them and comfort them when things get tough whether they are dealing with social issues online or on the prairie.
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Susan’s in the house!
I wish I could be as self-assured as you…I think my big fear, or lament is that my kid’s gonna be a tween, then a teen, and then, Ugh! an adult. It’s the loss of innocence more than the fear of social media and exposing him to material he’s not developmentally prepared for.
But you’re right–as parents, we have an imperative to supervise, be informed, and engage in honest communication at home, and with the school system. And yeah, every generation has their “thing.”
Lastly, one worry I definitely have is the impact after school and on weekends of those kids who don’t fit in socially. Home life should be a reprieve, but if you’re constantly reminded about the “extra-curricular” activities during non-school time, it’s a double whammy that a young, impressionable, and insecure teen doesn’t have the skills, life experience, and peer support to navigate
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As a parent of a teen, I know that like it or not, social media sites are a hot items. The key is helping teens learn to manage their social media life. Learning to manage time and learning to socialize are part of what happens in the teen years. It is a time in life where you can’t protect your child from everything. But, you need to be observant and in conversation. And, if you think or feel something is amiss, jump in there as a parent.
We have made it clear that we are to be “friended” and that we do “stalk” online. It is a wonderful way to gather insights into what happens between classes in school. It has served as a conversation starter for us.
One positive in this era is my daughter has opportunities to teach me things about social media. She has shown me things about Facebook that I didn’t know. She has taught me how to edit photos on line. It empowers her to be in that role. Another positive is being able to connect her with frequent contact of our extended family. Besides, aunts, uncles and cousins serve as additional eyes on social media.
Social media and cell phones aren’t going away. We need to set good examples as parents as to how to use them and to set appropriate limits for our children.
JoAnn–
Great points. Social media is not going away, and who knows how technology will evolve in the next couple of years. I like your emphasis on empowering your child to learn and become skilled in an exciting medium, while employing other adults as additional eyes and ears.
Thanks for sharing, you stalkin’-mama, you!
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Hi Linda,
I reckon 13 years is too young to have a Facebook page. However, the reality is there is a current wave in education, which is promoting the use of digital learning and that is done through use of Web 2.0 technologies such as Facebook and blog like tools, which are social in nature. I think the kids these days would expect to be able to create a Facebook page or something similar.
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Good points, Hiten–even if we did find a way to keep the young kids off social media until later, they’d just invent something similar and maybe even more sinister
than Facebook. And you can’t argue with digital learning–it’s here to stay.
TY for sharing!
Linda @talktherapybiz would like you to check out…Got Anxiety? 7 Minutes of Stress Relief and Relaxation
I think it depends on the maturity of the child. To be afraid of something and avoid it sometimes creates more problems. Perhaps better to focus on connecting and making sure that the child is safe and monitored. But then again what do I know. My kids are older and we didn’t have FB when they were 13.
I personally use FB to stay in contact with friends and family that live far away. As Linda, I use social media primarily for business.
irenesavarese would like you to check out…Couples Therapy Is About Facing Our Fears
I don’t think this phenomena is limited to teens! I read a quote along the lines of “You feel bad because you’re comparing your worst day to everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Great post, and an important topic for all of us navigating our way through the digital age.
Jen Gresham would like you to check out…Why Is Happiness So Hard? An Interview with Gretchen Rubin
[...] was an (almost) exciting game, the weather is beautiful, I have my health, my kid is fine, and then it hits [...]
Hey Linda,
Yes, I feel 13 is too young. 13 is the age kids are supposed to out and enjoying the beginning of their teens and not stuck to the computer talking about status updates. The fact remains that social networking sites focus too much on comparison and face value. And it might make people too shallow. Why is everyone obsessed with having the pretty profile pic, having the most number of likes for their photos, baring their private life all out. Social networking does make us judgmental. And 13 is small number for age!
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Hi Linda,
I’m glad Hajra told me about this post! I’m not an expert, and to be fair, I was planning on waiting around to see how my children handle today’s social/technological world with their own kids! But I think 13 may be a little young. At whatever age you would allow your kids to be on facebook, I think the privilege would have to come with a LOT of education. i.e. everyone puts their best photos on them (and photoshops!?),. people like to tell you the good stuff and leave the bad stuff out, you can’t believe everything you read or see there, there’s always more to the store etc etc etc.
What would you recommend as a way to prepare a child for the online world Linda?
It’s nice to meet you!
Lori
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Hey Lori–
Thanks for stopping by. I think you pretty much answered your question about how to prep your child for the online world. I believe in supervision, supervision, and supervision. I tell myself and my clients that our job is not to be liked by our kids (pardon the pun;)), but to parent them.
I like the idea of a lot of dicussion around social media sites, and visiting a few together. It’s a tough call, and there are no easy answers, but I say if your kid has problems socially use extra caution.
So THAT’S why I’ve been depressed lately. I wish I were joking, but sadly, I’m not. I’m thinking it’s also not working for a year + end of winter (lack of Vitamin D).
I started online when I was 12 with Pepsichat/BBS. I had a summer long affair with the newfangled Internet, and then realized….this is pretty stupid. There are real people out there who are much more fun than bits on a screen.. As an adult, I’ve found many more interests & friends online than I would have if I had only traveled in my own narrow circles of university, work, neighborhood.
As a therapist, I’ve seen too many teens get caught up in the Formspring anonymous chatting & online bullying ….it swiftly and negatively impacts their ego. That’s not even getting into the enhanced narcissism of the teen years w/ posing for pictures frequently and putting out obvious calls for attention. Of course, a lot of the kids that I saw were in families who had “lost control” of their kids from years of who knows what? and they wanted me to be the magic wand to “fix it.” *shakes head*
Face Book has its pros and cons. Everyone irrespective of age has a FB account today. I feel it is really harmful for teenagers psychology and strict monitoring is required on parents’ part. It increases peer pressure even more. FB becomes more of a addiction and kids hardly enjoy outdoor activities like before which harms their health physically.