You would think a mental health professional with twelve years experience would know that by now.

Last week I went to lunch with “Tom,” a colleague of sorts, and ended up losing 7.5 minutes of my lifespan, despite the $16.78 saved when he picked up the tab.

“You know, most people are total douchebags when it comes to managing their time and their assets. If I meet with one more physician who doesn’t know his ass from a small cap, I’m gonna shoot up the AMA headquarters.”

Yes. He said that.

Tom is successful by standard measures: Educated, married, and financially stable.

He owns his business and doesn’t worry about The Man breathing down his neck.

He is childless by choice.

Attractive and physically fit, Tom is excessively enviable.

Except when he’s not.

Despite the obvious trappings of success, Tom is a Xanax-popping, stressed out executive, whose contempt for most humans is outweighed only by his swearing habit that most sailors would find offensive.

I’ll spare you the four-letter bombast.

And if you’re smart and remotely curious, you’re wondering what an overworked, time-pressed, and somewhat intelligent psychotherapist gets out of eating a turkey burger with an ass?

Hmm…vicariously living out my contempt for ignorant people? Deluding myself into thinking there’s a compassionate bone in that ridiculously fit body? A free lunch? Distraction from anxious clients?

Maybe you can enlighten in the comments box below .

Back to the narcissist across the bistro table.

The Haves and the Have-Nots, starring Tom:

• Jon Hamm-worthy looks–check
• Contemporary modern crib–check
• Fat bank account–check
• Physical health (including a 220-pound bench press, yeah, he told me)–check
• Humility–Big Ass Uncheck
• Healthy interpersonal relationships + empathy for others–uncheck
• A solid foundation supporting the psyche–uncheck
• Internal resources to navigate curveballs and handle stress–uncheck
• Mental, emotional and spiritual health–Bankrupt

Tom: “Why so quiet today? You barely looked up from that burger…what’s going on inside that psycho brain?”

Me: “I was just thinking of something….”

Tom: “Spill the beans, Freud.”

Me: “If you don’t have mental health, you don’t have shit.”

Tom: “Seriously.”

***

How about you, lovely?

Would you rather have financial success and mental issues, or struggle with the Benjamins but possess mental wealth?

And if you’re really intrepid: What (the hell) am I getting out of this relationship?

Please leave your insights in the comments section below.

And if you liked this post, please share it on your favorite social media site .

Thank you!

~Linda

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Hmm…sounds like a walk in the Reverse Narcissism park to me.

Huh?

As a psychotherapist, I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t know if there’s a psychological phenomenon known as ‘reverse narcissism,’ but for the sake of 1/2-ass therapy, let’s pretend it’s not all in my head, okay?

Perhaps it’s a subset of Social Anxiety Disorder?

Because here’s the rub: There has to be a name for those super shy people who don’t like to draw attention to themselves, yet believe others are so concerned with their activities that they stop the task at hand to closely scrutinize and judge every ill-gotten move.

Here’s the other rub: Most people are highly concerned with one person: “Me.”

And NOT “you.”

So to expend so much mental energy to resist a compliment; to fret that the couple in the corner is whispering about you, or to assume the guy you met awhile back, but forgot your name today did so because you’re heavy-set, is to assume that you are omnipotent.

Most people are just not that into you.

But you are. Why not work on the ‘you’ that’s all up in arms about your husband’s boss’ dinner party because “I don’t have anything in common with those people, and they’re going to think I’m boring.” Can you try a fresh outlook rather than be consumed with dread, anxiety and the thought that others really give a damn about you?

Final rub: “You wouldn’t worry so much what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do. ~Eleanor Roosevelt <–love that!

Quick and dirty tips to reverse the ‘Reverse Narcissism:’

~Know that you’re not that important to the vast majority of people on the planet. Nobody is.

~Prepare that PowerPoint presentation like there’s no tomorrow and kill it! Check your tendency to think you’re bigger than Facebook. C’mon, when audience members are bored, they’re more likely to check status updates than poke fun at you, right? And please don’t think they’re posting about your presentation. Because if that’s the case, you should seriously check out this link.

~Take the compliment already, and stop wasting everyone’s time with your noisy resistance. Be thankful that someone has something nice to say about you.

~The couple canoodling in the corner…I’m betting the whispering has nothing to do with you, but you may ask why you think you’re so sexy that you make it into their bedroom talk?

~People forget names and faces everyday. Yes, it’s rude of him to shake your hand and say, “Nice to meet you,” when you were introduced six months back. Suck it up and be gracious, or let him know it’s not the first time. And if you insist your weight is to blame, do something about it.

~Read the New York Times, and the Atlantic Monthly so you’ll have plenty to talk about at the dinner party. Remember you’re 1/2 of a partnership, and it’s important to ‘man up’ and take one for the other team member, here.

~Get out of your head, and into someone else. Cultivate interests outside of yourself and your anxiety.

~Remember that when you’re over-involved with others, you’re under-involved with yourself.

Lastly, if anyone knows if  ‘reverse narcissism’ exists, please provide proof!

Gracias .

***

How about you, hot stuff?

Is it possible to be narcissistic + shy? Or is self-involvement just plain ‘ol narcissism?

Please leave comments in the box below.

And if you’d like daily 1/2- ass psychological advice, hit me up here!

Have a wonderfully non-self-involved week .

~Linda

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We’re infantilizing our kids into incompetence.~Lenore Skenazy

One of my goals as a mom (besides supporting my athletically gifted meal-ticket son, and ridding him of  Social Anxiety) is finding the parenting middle-ground.

What I’m seeking is much less neurotic than the Stealth Fighter Parents, and nowhere close to the neglectful, Invisible Parents I’ve too often seen within the hybrid field of mental health and education.

I want the responsible, relaxed, and skinned-knee-no-problem model. Maybe you can advise me in the comments section .

Let’s start with the Helicopter parents (born post 1964 with more disposable income, time, and resources), who can’t get out the door and into the Volvo without the Clorox Disinfecting Wipes, macrobiotic fruit rolls, and MD Moms Babysafe Sunscreen Towelettes SPF 30. They hover over their child’s every activity with the laser focus and determination of a fighter pilot zeroing in on that dual-immersion Montessori teaching Mandarin, so Madison and Caleb can compete in the global market.

Meanwhile, across town is the teen-as-mother type with all her baby daddy woes who struggles to find time to practice the alphabet with Junior because she’s so wrapped up with the drama overflowing in her inner-city neighborhood. She blames daughter Princess for her lost adolescence and smirks when the 1st grade teacher warns of mean girl behavior in the classroom.

Yes, there’s plenty of children raised in-between the stark and the sparkle. But not enough. I would love to see the cell-phone-as-umbilical-cord wielders step up and be part of the solution.

“I will not be assigning much in the way of writing homework this year. I’m not interested in your writing abilities,” said my son’s 4th grade teacher at Open House this past fall.

And not to be passive-aggressive, but I did spy the parenting cohort who advocated for cutting recess time in favor of more test-prep, squirm a bit.

What’s wrong with a little dirt under the fingernails and drinking non-filtered water from the fountains of public schools and the local Parks and Recreation?

Since when did playtime become a bad thing?

“If you look at what produces learning and memory and well-being in life, play is as fundamental as any other aspect,” says Dr. Stuart Brown, a psychiatrist and the founder of the National Institute for Play.

Across town the inner-city youth play too often, and often, too dangerously. Lack of adult supervision is a factor.

But just as you don’t have tabs on your kids’ whereabouts when you’re inside watching Real Wives,’ neither do you see that which is directly in front of your nose. What if there was less hovering and more visibility?

I think it’s about finding perspective and letting go of the anxiety that drives adults to hire tutors to correct their five-year old’s “scissor-holding deficiency,” when many poor kids can’t grip a pencil.

Personally and professionally, I find it depressing to invest so much effort making sure your kid reaches state benchmarks when he has yet to learn how to tolerate boredom, or to read others’ social cues. Johnny will have to problem solve even if he makes it into Yale Law School in fifteen years.

I’m not bashing the intentions of the Helicopters, who may very well care about, and feel sadness for the less fortunate.

But action is so much more powerful than pity.

And there’s plenty of folks who worry that over-protectiveness leads to underdeveloped youth.

You may breathe a sigh of relief because Ava is spared the hardships of the Juniors and the Princess’ of this world. And while she will not mow lawns or scrub toilets for a living, she just may end up in my office for help with panic disorder because she grew up believing that success is a given, opportunities are a birthright, and parents provide endless protection.

There’s nothing wrong with a little hovering. And no, it’s not your fault that some adults choose not to parent. But I guarantee your child-rearing anxiety would decrease with some perspective and exposure outside of your comfort zone.

We’d all breathe easier if the wealth, time, and resources were spread more evenly.

Especially the kids.

To all my Helicopters buzzing overhead, please consider the following:

• Volunteer your time
• Help out a kindergarten class by offering to tutor the struggling learners with sight words
• Contact the librarian of the public school in your area and drop off some books
• Allow your kid to fail for a change
• Teach her that mistakes are a part of life and the world doesn’t end because she got a C
• Let them eat cake from a box

***

What about YOU?

Should the Helicopters help out in the Hood? Why or Why not?

Your input is important–you never know who you could help by contributing. Please leave comments in the box below.

Thanks for stopping by,

~Linda

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{Cue the dun, duh, dun, duh, DONE drum roll}

Click the unsubscribe option at the bottom of your non-essential email.

90 trillion e-mails, or 247 billion email messages a day, made their way through cyberspace in 2009.

That’s a lot of mental energy expended deciphering what’s important, and what gets trashed.

And THAT was three years ago.

If you want to clear the mental clutter and subscribe to meaningful thoughts and actions today, get rid of unnecessary distractions.

Which is probably 77% of your inbox contents.

It’s great to be conscientious and keep up with the latest breaking news and global trends via www.cnn.com and  www.huffingtonpost.com.

But this constant barrage of doom and gloom comes with a price. The sensationalism can cause you to feel more overwhelmed, and less clear about what to do and which causes to support.

It might even make you more prone to reach for the bottle or the pipe…

Believe me, I get it.

As an avid supporter of PETA for the past  twenty years, viewing images of baby seals being clubbed to death does not make me hopeful that my $20.00 donation aids helpless creatures in Antarctica.

I show my support by wearing their shirts, but say ‘no’ to the graphic online images.

So can you.

Why you must unsubscribe:

Besides the emotional toll, it’s hard to concentrate when you’re checking email every 30 minutes. Studies show that multi-tasking leads to a decrease in productivity, not to mention brains which do not operate at full capacity.

You may be able to remember important information in the moment, but you’re not taking in the crucial details of what you learned.

Kind of like the therapy client with social anxiety disorder who knows by rote why it’s important to consider reality instead of predicting a catastrophic event, but turns into Chicken Little the minute stress levels rise outside the therapy room.

The lesson is not taken in, digested, absorbed and stored for future use.

I love the efficiency and brevity of email as much as the next anxious guy.

But because email is virtually free to send does not mean there are no hidden costs to the recipient.

How much is your mental energy worth?

Check out this visualization exercise I use with psychotherapy clients:

• Close your eyes and envision a bowl full of shimmery, silver glitter
• Now picture a tablespoon next to the bowl
• Remove one spoonful of glitter for all the essentials you contend with daily: work, kids, pets, social media, commute, exercise (including the time spent with excuses that you’re too busy), cooking, cleaning, school, studying, grooming, sleeping, and all your other duties
• Last, consider how much precious emotional energy is wasted by opening, clicking, reading, responding, and sending email every single day
• Measure how much “glitter” is left in your psychological bowl

We have a finite amount of mental energy every day, and unused minutes do not roll over.

Use it wisely.

Get rid of the crap.

Make time for intentional awareness of what you’re doing and where you’re going.

Be conscientious with your time.

Be judicious with your mind.

Protect your glitter.

Unsubscribe.

***

How about you?

What’s your go-to tip for deciding what and when to delete from your inbox?

Your voice is important! Plus, all the lurkers out there are counting on you for validation…;).

Please leave comments in the box below.

Thanks for giving up your precious energy to read/share/comment on this post!

~Linda

{Photo via Flickr}

Maybe it will help you understand your kid’s social issues, though I don’t recommend buying a Siberian husky…especially if a laidback cat, or a low-maintenance goldfish will do.

I’ll get to the canines in a bit.

What is social anxiety disorder in children?

It’s more than just shyness or occasional nerves.

He’s just so shy, Linda. I see him withdraw into himself whenever it’s calendar time. It’s painful to watch, but the class is encouraging and patient. Sometimes I just want to hug him and tell him he has everything in life: intelligence, looks, height and athleticism, said the 1st grade teacher.

~Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, involves intense fear of certain social situations—especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you feel you’ll be watched or evaluated by others.

~It’s often an inexplicable fear that interferes with your ability to enjoy life or to complete daily routines or do the things you are expected to.

~The symptoms do not respond to or diminish after logical explanations, since anxiety often defies logic.

Mom, let’s turn around and go home…I don’t want to go into the birthday party. Please, let’s leave, said my son as we approached the home of a classmate.

Do you recognize these signs in your child, or in kids whom you provide counseling or instruction? As easy as it is to feel sorry for them, or to overlook or welcome their quiet ways in an overwhelmingly stimulating world, it’s important to remember that temperament (an individual’s behavioral style and characteristic emotional response) is largely a product of DNA.

How much does heredity play in temperament? The contemporary view is that temperament is a biologically based, but ever evolving trait which changes and develops with a child’s experiences and personality.

Since you’re probably wondering about the role of temperament and its relation to paying A LOT of money for a sled dog, let’s cut to the second grade fall parent conference and a little back story:

The class consists of two teachers who split the week in half, and alternate Wednesdays. Both boast multiple years of experience, but have never taught together, and don’t always appear on the same instructional page. This is not the ideal educational scenario for my son who spends half his time with me, and the other half with his father since we are divorced.

Be that as it may, adapting to change is a vital life lesson.

Teacher 1: Yes, he’s very shy, and his reluctance to participate in class activities does affect learning. He has the ability, but lacks the confidence.

Teacher 2: Sometimes when he doesn’t answer, I feel like he’s rejecting me.

WTH?? I glance at his father, who looks perplexed, and then I blurted out:

I understand he’s shy. That’s his temperament, and he’s never going to be as confident as Ethan, or as easy-going as Sara, but…he’s also a bit withholding, trust me.

All three look at me like I recited the Theory of Quantum Physics in Chinese while standing on my head.

This has been going on since kindergarten. He was the only child who refused to partipate in drama class. He’s eight years-old and needs to learn that classroom participation, reading in class, speaking to adults, taking tests, and performing in front of others is mandatory. He’s choosing when and where to participate, and that’s not good, I continued.

More blank stares and shuffling of papers.

That night I had a conversation with my son: You know we need to work on classroom participation. It’s important to answer the question even if you don’t get it right. There’s nothing wrong with errors–only with not trying in the first place. Remember when I told you I’d get you a dog at the end of third grade? Well, I’ve decided that if you work on your shyness and become more comfortable with trying new things, you’ll have the dog at the end of June.

What?! Really?? Yes–I can’t wait!, he squealed with glee while running around the living room. He barely slept that night.

Not unlike the sleeplessness I experienced six months later.

Call it a canine bribe, or a childhood rite of passage… I’m just thankful my boy increased his willingness to risk being called upon, and coped whenever he was the center of attention.

Because socially anxious children are highly self-conscious and reluctant to try activities unless they are assured success, a pet’s unconditional acceptance can work like a salve.

In addition to the daily walks and potential for conversation starters, Ca$h provides comfort, play and laughter. He showers my son with love and reduces his loneliness, too.

And though I would never recommend getting a pet under any circumstance that is less than ideal, I wholeheartedly endorse the mutual benefits of affection and companionship.

Regardless of your situation, there’s alternatives to pets for providing anxiety relief for social anxiety.

Strategies for dealing with Social Anxiety in children:

• Teach how to control the physical symptoms of anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises
• Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, and replace them with more balanced views: Kids don’t realize they have a choice to internalize negativity. Instead, they see these inaccurate beliefs as absolute truths
• Resist the temptation to reassure them they are fine when stuck in the spin of worry. “Why do I still feel so scared, if everything is fine?” is a common worry pitfall
• Remind children how worry works so they can challenge and outsmart the worry themselves. This worry wisdom gives kids a sense of power they can take with them everywhere
• Help them face the social situations in a gradual, systematic way, rather than avoid them
• Show them that the world is basically a safe place, and that most people are trustworthy
• Ask if it’s okay to share their story in the hope that it might help another shy youngster…

***

How about you?

What do you recommend for helping kids overcome social anxiety?

Please leave your input in the comments box below.

If you enjoyed this post, please share on your favorite social media site .

Have a wonderful week,

~Linda

While Googling “organic” for an upcoming Anxiety presentation for mental health professionals, I inadvertently typed “organax.” Xanax was on the mind, but not the brain.

The anti-anxiety medication Xanax, and its generic form Alprazolam, is the most commonly prescribed psycho-pharmaceutical in the United States. The only meds that rank higher include high blood pressure and cholesterol.

While researching Panic Disorder, I was struck by how many people live the “green” life–organic condiments, Anusara yoga, sustainable swimsuits, chemical-free cleaning solutions, but when it comes to their brains, the green ends where the chemical compounds begin.

The “Granolas” may shop at two farmer’s markets on the way home from work or the FitBody Workout class to find the perfect antioxidant-rich beet root, but there’s no denying that popping Xanax along with the Omega-3s is as common as ignoring the green elephant in the room for many.

I’m not saying anxiety is the new black, but it rivals a habit almost as much as the perfectly brewed morning cup of Stumptown.

Are we stressed out?

Yes.

Is economic security a factor?

Of course.

And don’t get me started about our obsession with technology. For all its compact convenience rolled up in 4.9 ounces, our PDAs contribute to anxiety. I half-joke that I would sooner miss my right arm than “Cracky.”

And for the eye rollers out there, or those who know me , I’m not claiming to be a chemical purist. Even more pathetic than my little black friend tucked safely under my pillow, is my knowledge that BevMo sells the 1.75 liter bottle of Skyy Vodka for $20.98, excluding tax.

But the benzos–off limits. I received a prescription of Valium following my emergency C-section ten years ago. Apparently, my ungrateful child decided “now” was not the time to enter the world, despite his weary mom pushing for two days. That’s when Dr. Gail decided enough was enough already (and because she wanted to salvage what little was left of her weekend).

Still, I never took one pill. I also lost a friend the day I threw the entire contents in the trash. “You DID what?!! I needed those! Do you know how stressed I am? I can’t believe you!” Sara cried ruthlessly. Let’s just say my interpersonal boundaries weren’t as tight back in the drug-chuckin’ day.

46 million prescriptions for generic Xanax (Alprazolam) were written in 2010.

There are always options in life. You can continue to believe that your life is so inextricably busy and time-pressed, that Xanax is a necessity. Or you can take some of that green intelligence and organic research and put it to good use finding a less risky and addictive solution for your overworked brain and central nervous system.

You’ve got the green thing down, baby. And good for you, because processed carbohydrates and sugary, caffeinated beverages contribute to anxiety.

But why not spend a little less time searching for those 100% Organic Sheets that are luxurious, safe, and eco-friendly, and invest in natural anti-anxiety remedies like belly breathing, acceptance of your life situation, and mindfulness of your current stressors?

Practicing 100% organic thoughts for just 30 minutes per day can be luxurious and safe. It’s also an eco-friendly alternative to the following ingredients:

Xanax: The chemical name of alprazolam is 8-Chloro-1-methyl-6-phenyl-4H-s-triazolo [4,3-α] [1,4] benzodiazepine.

Alprazolam is a white crystalline powder, which is soluble in methanol or ethanol but which has no appreciable solubility in water at physiological pH.

Inactive ingredients: Cellulose, corn starch, docusate sodium, lactose, magnesium stearate, silicon dioxide and sodium benzoate. In addition, the 0.5 mg tablet contains FD&C Yellow No. 6 and the 1 mg tablet contains FD&C Blue No. 2.

Although I’m no foodie, I do believe if you can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it.

And if you can endure childbirth without painkillers, and decline to vaccinate your child against fatal diseases, surely you can handle a bit of anxiety, boredom, sadness and uncertainty.

***

What about you?

Are we becoming a nation that’s more concerned with popping pills than learning to deal with worry?

Please leave your comments in the box below.

And if you liked this post, please share it on your favorite social media site .

Have a wonderful week,

~Linda

{Photo: Google images}

The presenting problem:

You’re a graduate student in a counseling program or a rookie therapist with less than five years post-grad experience.

Despite your lack of clinical confidence, clients come to you for help with their problems.

You don’t have the answers.

You’re young and/or inexperienced.

You try really hard, but things are murky.

You nervously glance at the clock and spy the minute hand moving slowly as you wait for your next appointment.

Breathe. It’s only 50-minutes. I’m not going to harm my client.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

The intercom crudely reminds you of the 11:00 a.m. waiting in the lobby.

The comorbid factors:

Your anxiety increases whenever your clients ask:

• “How do I find happiness?”
• “How can I make my anxiety stop?”
• “How come I still have to come here? I don’t smoke weed anymore, and everything’s fine at home and at school.”

The issues are vague.

The solutions are complex.

Your time in supervision is never enough.

Overwhelmed, you wish you could put your client on pause while you search for psychological insight.

By default you go for the quick-fix of ‘how’ to make problems disappear: How can I get this student out of crisis mode and back to class so I can see the others lined up outside my office?

You’re providing drive-through therapy.

It’s a band-aid covering a ginsu-knife wound.

Sadly, you know these kids will continue to self-injure, or ditch school to do drugs.

You may have infused some hope for now, but come Monday the majority will be back…

Ahhhhh! Why don’t they get better?

Blame Freud, or the Maker for the complex nature of human behavior. Hell, tell me to “Go pound sand” if it makes you feel better about the more or less $20,050 spent per year on grad school.

The good news is there’s a solution to this psychological puzzle. Nail this crucial step, and the Dear-Lord-please-let-my-client-be-a-no-show days will end.

The Treatment Plan:

Just ask WHY?

Yup.

• Forget the ‘how’ for now, and deal with WHY your anxious client panics when she drops her daughter off at school.
• Initiate a discussion about WHY he feels that happiness alludes him.
• Challenge your teen about WHY he behaves in a manner that increases the odds that others will be forced to control his behavior.

Let’s face it–if you want to enjoy anything remotely related to a life, and engage in things that people who don’t work in mental health do, you’ve got to work smarter and challenge your client with questions. And though he asks for advice, he rarely wants to DO things differently.

But you can do things differently.

Why not engage in an honest, authentic discussion about his motivations to NOT change?

How to do WHY like a Counseling Pro:

Why does she think the way she thinks? and Why does she hold this world view? make up the foundation of clinical work. The following are sample questions you may ask directly, or answer in your head based on your work together up to this point:

Client composite: A thirty-seven year old female, divorced for one year, who states she needs a Xanax to get through the day:

~Why does she self-medicate?

~Why does she avoid anger?

~Why does a smart, educated woman resist natural anti-anxiety remedies like exercise, reducing carbs, practicing yoga, positive thoughts and the glass-full attitude?

~Why did she wait until the fourth visit to the Emergency Room to get psychological help?

~Why does she behave in a way that makes her family treat her like an adolescent?

~Why does she think that reliving the past and rewriting history will bring back her marriage?

~Why does she defend the ex who verbally abused and cheated on her?

~Why does she show up late for appointments?

~Why does she look at her phone when I talk?

Moral of the rookie therapy story: Answer ‘Why’ before ‘How’ and help clients create lasting and meaningful change.

Second moral of the rookie therapy story: ‘Why’ puts the responsibility on her to take action for her problems, and keeps you from figuring out ‘How’ to solve her problems for her.

If you’d like to learn how I overcame years of clinical shenanigans to finally rock my clinical badass + hear an audio interview with the clinical supervisor responsible for my thriving private practice, hit me up here, baby!

***

What about you?

Therapists: What’s your go-to tip for the beginner therapist?

Rookies: Does this make sense?

Non-therapists (but no-less intrepid):  Would you book an appointment with a newcomer?

Please leave feedback in the comment section below. You’re voice matters!

Have a great week,

~Linda

{Photo: Steena}

Recently I was jolted by reality while reviewing material for a presentation on anxiety. My counseling intern Jill left the Positive Behavior group therapy session she was co-facilitating and showed up in my office.

“Sorry to bother you Linda, but we have a situation. John got mad at Tom during group and threw a chair at him. Nobody was hurt, but now John refuses to leave group for a time out. I was wondering if you could help?”

As we entered the counseling room I saw the group members enthusiastically engaged in a role play about appropriate ways to enter a conversation.

John was sitting in a chair slumped over, and sadly watching his young peers get it right.

I brought him outside and asked what happened to him that morning.

He burst into tears, and started to hyperventilate out of frustration, barely getting out anything audible.

Wow. How many times has this situation played out in this child’s life? Who’s taking care of his emotional health?

It’s never easy to watch anyone cry. Especially on those days when your empathy meter is set to Highly Sensitive. Checking in with my overwhelm and the stirrings of sympathy (which is NEVER productive in the therapeutic relationship), I decided to focus on the present and how I can help this young child, rather than dwell on the past and worry about the long road ahead.

As John sat in my office, we focused on basic strategies for controlling anger and the old stand by: Social skills.

I tried to remember the sage words of parenting expert and author, Dr. John Gottman: (1) Listen to the child (2) Empathize with soothing words and affection (3) Help the child label the emotion he is feeling (4) Offer guidance on regulating emotion (5) Set limits and teach acceptable behavior & expression of emotions (6) Teach problem-solving methods.

It’s well-documented that people with emotional intelligence do better in life and in the workplace than those who don’t know how to read others, show compassion, and talk calmly.

Early on I worked in residential group homes and with CPS (Children’s Protective Services). Those kids with the capacity to listen, to use I-statements, and words like ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ and ‘excuse me’ were more well-adjusted, regardless of the reasons for their placement.

You can’t erase the family history or the bad things that happened, but you can model appropriate body language, physical distance, posture, and teach the concept of boundaries.

Whether you’re a parent, a school counselor, or a rookie therapist, you can never go wrong when you reinforce the basics of human relationships. It’s easy to overlook that which you already know, but it doesn’t mean that your young charge knows the ABCs of getting along with others.

Five Steps of Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

1. Self-awareness: The ability to recognize an emotion as it’s unfolding. This requires knowing what’s going on inside. It’s about managing your emotions so they don’t manage you.

What this means to John—Know that when Tom calls him a name–that label does not have to stick. Recognize the physical signs of arousal: rapid heart beat, tightening in the chest, increase in body temperature, etc.

2. Self-regulation: Intentional focus on controlling uncomfortable emotions and impulses. This is super tough to teach the little ones as some concrete thinkers don’t realize that when an unwelcome emotion like fear comes, a physical or emotional threat is not present in that moment. Know your boiling point, and take responsibility for your actions.

What this means to John—Remember that the feeling comes after the negative thought. It’s about reframing with, “Tom called me stupid. I’m going to ignore him and look at the teacher. I don’t deserve to be called a name, and I’m not going to get in trouble by reacting. I’m going to squeeze my stress ball until my Anger Thermometer comes down to a four.”

3. Flexibility: Recognize that problems are a part of life. It’s the ability to see the glass half-full, and to try new ways to reach your goals.

What this means to John: Continue to work towards positive behavior in school, at home and in the community despite stressors and setbacks.

4. Empathy: The ability to recognize how people feel and to put yourself in their shoes.

What this means to John: My teacher looks like she’s having a bad day. Maybe I should be quiet instead of laugh at Sara’s jokes. Maybe I can volunteer to help clean the classroom after the science project.

5. Social skills: Also known as “people skills.” Learning the importance of getting along with others even when you have a different agenda. Clear, concise communication is key.

What this means to John: “I’m going to take a break from Tom and find a new friend. There’s more kids I can hang out with, and I know how to introduce myself and listen to others.”

And not that Rosetta Stone asked for my input or business plan, but I think they could make a ton of revenue by adding the most important language of all to their curriculum. Because how impressive is speaking five languages if you aren’t fluent in Emotional Intelligence?

Thanks to one of my favorite commenters, Delena Sanchez for the inspiration for this title and topic .

***

How about you, hot stuff?

What’s your EQ advice to the John’s of this world?

Please leave comments in the box below.

And if you want free, 1/2-ass psychological advice every day, hit me up here, baby!

Have a great week,

~Linda

Photo: CappiT

If I learned this life lesson from my mom, I would have eliminated ten years of stress and anxiety; not to mention, helped my psychotherapy clients off the couch sooner.

Thanks Ma!

Btw, I’ve already written four of the words to this magical sentence…

Read on to see how these seven words will help you avoid anxiety every single day.

The First Word is “You”

It’s all about You anyway, right?

Not surprising, “you” is one of the most powerful words in the English language. People are generally interested in fulfilling their own needs.

Call it selfishness–I prefer ‘self-preservation.’

The good news is you’ll take better care of yourself and feel more self-confidant.

The bad news is you’ll no longer blame others or feel sorry for yourself.

Pity Party of one, your table is no longer available…

The Next Word is “Teach”

This action verb is huge.

The good news is you don’t have to be credentialed to exercise this vital life lesson.

The bad news is some teachers just plain suck.

Hopefully you won’t get a negative evaluation by the end of this post.

The Third Word is “People”

We’re wired to connect.

Wouldn’t it be great to hang out exclusively with those peeps who share your interests, values and love of all things feline?

In a perfect world…

The good news is you’ll get rid of those people who drag you down. You won’t feel obligated to tolerate Aunt Maria’s negativity, nor experience stress when you share another neurotic, chocolate-less family meal due to Uncle Zach’s lateness and lactose-intolerance.

The bad news is you can’t bitch and moan about their nasty, boundary-less treatment of you. This will be hard if you expend endless minutes complaining instead of putting your mental energy to good use.

Like finally sending that email to your boss about why your job description does not include X,Y and Z tasks.

Or putting your foot down when your underage teen is doing God-knows-what.

The Sixth Word is “Treat”

And I’m not referring to Perugina Bittersweet Chocolate. Or that other Halloween custom. Sadly, people trick themselves into believing that how others respond is not controlled by….

You.

That’s the lucky 7^th word, btw.

Cue the insightful drum roll:

You Teach People How to Treat You.

Wouldn’t it be great if more children were taught this?

***

How about you?

Did your parents teach this lesson?

If so, please share their strategies in the comments box below so I can make my mom feel guilty…JK;). And in case you’re thinking I’m a shameless, ungrateful daughter, Helen could care less about the contents of my blog posts, “as long as you don’t swear, dear.” .

Please do me a favor and pass this ‘clean’ message along via social media or by sharing this link.

And if you want free, fun and honest 1/2 ass psychological info each week, hit my up here, baby!

Have a great week ,

~Linda

{Photo: toriortolani via Flickr

~Name withheld to protect this person’s identity (and lack of respect for my time and the other therapists who likely received this email).

Do I have suggestions?

Yes:

1). Make an appointment for yourself so we can discuss what’s happening with your daughter and come up with an action plan if she is not willing to try therapy.

2). Consider the average number of inbox messages busy people receive daily.

3). Ask yourself why a mental health professional should respond after you state that your daughter’s uninterested in therapy, and presumably you are, too.

4). Remember that therapists are in the helping profession, but our mortgages, credit card bills, and veterinarian visits are not helped along when neighbors, family members, and random individuals contact us with no apparent intention of paying for our services.

5). Most importantly, if the mental and physical health of your most precious possession isn’t worth my hourly rate, what do you consider a worthwhile investment?

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, nor rude. We all have issues, and we all need therapy at some point. It’s hard to ask for help.

And due to the stigma of mental health, there have been many times when I’ve happily answered email or blog comments regarding questions about anxiety, depression, or parenting from conscientious individuals. I’m flattered and grateful that people trust my clinical judgment.

I don’t have a problem responding when we have some sort of a relationship. And social media ‘relationships’ are different from face-to-face contacts. Still, there are those you willingly dispense the contents of your mind, and those you do not.

But to send a “cold-call” version of email and expect me to provide “free therapy”–that’s crossing the line in the free sand, IMO.

Do I have an ethical and legal duty to provide psychotherapy services to children, teens and families?

Yes. I am bound by the standards of the Board of Behavioral Sciences in the State of California the minute you become a client.

Until then, please don’t assume the contents of my brain are free. I worked two jobs to put myself through graduate school. Like you, I have bills to pay, and a child to raise. Unlike you, there are conferences to attend, books to buy, mental disorders to research, and counseling interns and mental health practitioners to supervise. Additionally, my psychotherapy clients depend on my clinical incisiveness, twelve years of post-grad experience, and unfettered focus 50-minutes per week.

My mental energy is precious and finite, just like yours.

Does your daughter deserve to receive treatment for her problems?

Absolutely. And at least you made an attempt to do so.

But please answer the following: If your daughter broke her arm playing soccer, would you send an email to the doctor asking how to set the broken bone if she wasn’t interested in coming in for medical treatment?

Lastly, and this advice I will give freely–when you or someone else is suffering from anxiety or depression, always contact your medical doctor first to rule out a physical problem for your symptoms.

And bring your checkbook.

***

What about you?

When is it okay to give your professional expertise freely?

When do you put the “For Sale” sign in front of you and the brain pickers of this world?

Please leave feedback in the comments section below. I promise I won’t tell you to ‘go pound sand’ .

And if you’d like free 1/2-ass therapeutic ramblings every day, hit me up here!

Thanks for stopping by,

~Linda

{Photo: tcmacdonald }