‘Man Up’: Why Real Men Go To Counseling
Or do they?
“Hi. My name is Jack. I’m calling to see if you’re accepting new clients…I may need counseling. I don’t know. I have some problems at home and at work. Well, I really have a lot of issues. I’m experiencing some depression and anxiety. I had a panic attack recently. Maybe counseling can help. Please call me back.”
“Jack” is a pretty gutsy guy. Many of his peers will never make that initial phone call, despite the daunting statistics regarding men and depression:
- Researchers estimate that at least six million men in the United States suffer from a depressive disorder every year
- Men are more likely than women to report alcohol and drug abuse or dependence in their lifetime. Substance use can mask depression, making it harder to recognize depression as a separate illness that needs treatment
- More than four times as many men as women die by suicide in the United States
- One in seven men will develop depression within 6 months of becoming unemployed
- Retired men have the highest risk of depression
- Men recently diagnosed with depression risk cardiovascular problems within five years
- Main reasons of depression in men are separation after marriage, widowed, and divorce
“When I was feeling depressed I was very reckless with my life. I didn’t care about how I drove. I didn’t care about walking across the street carefully. I didn’t care about dangerous parts of the city. I wouldn’t be affected by any kinds of warnings on travel or places to go. I didn’t care whether I lived or died and so I was going to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. And when you take those kinds of chances, you have a greater likelihood of dying.”-Bill Maruyama, Lawyer
Do you recognize these responses when ‘men and counseling’ comes up?:
“What I am gonna talk about?”
“You handle your shit.”
“My dad died when I was 14. I turned out fine. Get over it.”
Why do men shy away from counseling?
- Is it the fear of showing vulnerability?
- The idea that fixing problems is a man’s role?
- Because feelings are not to be trusted?
- The belief that taking care of others is more important than taking care of oneself?
- Because expressing fear, hurt, and sadness are signs of emotional weakness?
“I’d drink and I’d just get numb. I mean, we’re talking many, many beers to get to that state where you could shut your head off, but then you wake up the next day and it’s still there. Because you have to deal with it, it doesn’t just go away. It isn’t a two hour movie and then at the end it goes ‘The End’ and you press off. I mean it’s a twenty four hour a day movie and you’re thinking there is no end. It’s horrible.”-Patrick McCathern, First Sergeant, U.S. Air Force, Retired
6 Reasons to say No to the Resistance, and Yes to Psychotherapy:
1. Approximately 80 percent of those suffering from depression respond to existing treatments, and new ones are continually becoming available.
2. When a man is depressed, his depression negatively affects his family, his friends, and virtually everyone close to him. Starting a psychotherapeutic intervention offers healing and hope for everyone in his life.
3. Consider the money and time saved on doctor visits and blood pressure medication.
4. Men who bring home-related stress to the workplace risk a drop in productivity, and the annual raise or bonus that often accompanies it. Not that money trumps mental health, but it’s an indisputable fact that self-worth is tied to a many a man’s ability to provide and contribute.
5. When the pain is too great and you are feeling most vulnerable, it’s time to reframe your thinking and move in a direction that goes against the tide of cultural heritage. Give yourself permission to be vulnerable.
6. If the aforementioned isn’t convincing, think of the extra sex you’ll have when you embrace the emotional vulnerability that you’re entitled to experience. Most partners find openness to positive change sexually appealing.
For all the Jacks out there, I wish there was an app to convey the following four points:
- Depression is a real illness
- Depression is treatable
- It takes courage to ask for help
- Treatment can make all the difference in the world
“And pretty soon you start having good thoughts about yourself and realize you’re not worthless. You kind of turn your head over your shoulder and look back at that rutted, muddy, dirt road you just traveled… And now you’re on some smooth asphalt and say, ‘Wow, what a trip. Still got a ways to go, but I wouldn’t want to go down that road again.’” -Patrick McCathern, First Sergeant, U.S. Air Force, Retired
***
Your voice matters! Please leave a comment in the box below:
Do men go to counseling?
Why/Why not?
Thanks,
~Linda
P.S. If you care, please share this link on your favorite social media site, or send the link to a friend:).
{Photo: Hamed Esmail via Flickr}
I'm an Anxiety Saboteur who loves to help people resolve their emotional baggage. As a therapist in Los Angeles, CA for the past 13 years, I've seen too many lovely people suffer needlessly. I believe healthy boundaries are the key to happiness, and every parent should be BFF with the word 'no.' If you are looking for honest, straightforward anxiety solutions, you’ve come to the right place.
I work with ALOT of men in my practice. The majority of them are there because they have been asked to come in by a spouse, employer, or the court. They are experiencing destructive behavior, but do not necessarily realize it is because of their underlying depression.
Many men have not been taught to identify and expresss the full range of emotions. Many men do not share what is going on inside of them because American culture’s ideal of masculinity is a man that is gritty, independent, and just gets things done. Expressing emotional distress can be seen as weakness.
It makes me sad, because I feel, as a man, that men can almost benefit the most from therapy. Just learning basics such as emotional regulation and distress tolerance can go a long way. Just learning how to reach out for support…to be given permission, can be life changing.
Wow, Marco–thanks for such an eloquent response. I wish I would have come up with this paragraph:
“It makes me sad, because I feel, as a man, that men can almost benefit the most from therapy. Just learning basics such as emotional regulation and distress tolerance can go a long way. Just learning how to reach out for support…to be given permission, can be life changing.”
We definitely do not do right by men in our culture. I mean, a tragedy is a tragedy, no matter the gender involved. If only we could change our respoonses to men and emotional expression. I wish more men would cry. That’s one thing I’ve always consistently enforced with my young son: it’s ok to cry. It’s natural, healthy, and necessary to begin to problem-solve and feel better.
Thanks for contributing a man’s POV, and a psychotherapist’s to boot!
I’m going to have to agree with Marco – I see ‘some’ men in my practice, but usually only after they started in couple counseling or because I saw their child initially and realized that they might benefit from counseling.
It is a rarity for a man to call for help for anything other than substance abuse in my office. Usually, once we deal with the substance abuse, there is a myriad of other issues to work through. Issues that, if addressed prior to the substance use getting out of control, may not have lead to the degree of use…
The men who do come to counseling and are prepared to take a look at themselves, instead of blame others, tend to benefit. More should seek early intervention before work stress, depression, or anxiety turn to substance abuse, high blood pressure, and heart disease.
Thanks for bringing this to light, Linda. As always, great article. I will be sure to share it in both personal and professional social media.
Thanks for the support, and your work experiences as a fellow psychotherapist. I have to say that the men who’ve come to see me have a lot of issues, and yes, substance abuse or dependence is often the ‘presenting problem.’ How sad that our society is more accepting of a man using substances to self-medicate, than our willingness to recognize depression as a viable, and treatable problem.
Yes, Marco gave a very on-target response, I agree. Yeah, it takes a real man to recognize his role in his depression, instead of blaming those around him–systems, included. I couldn’t agree more that if we gave support for males of all ages we wouldn’t have the level of substance use/dependence/abuse that permeate our culture.
Thanks for your important input:).
Hi Linda,
I’ve been working with blokes for aout 15 years now as a therapist. Mind you I started before that with the bloke that is me.
I’m one of those psychotherapists who is hard to convince of stuff, I have to see that something is real for myself. So I had to do therapy first, and see if it worked before I became one. I’ll be honest with you, I was surprised when it did work.
Not just in dealing with my own depression, anxiety, panic attacks, my flashbacks and heightened startle responses because I had PTSD from the violence and chaos of my childhood etc. Not jsut that stuff, but much deeper.
I’ve come to appreciate who I am as a man and figure out that I am just fine as me. Never thought that was possible, but there you go. Gotta give something a try.
Now I’m working with a lot of blokes, dealing with the shit. See ex squaddies, the lot. It’s great, cause I’ve been there I know it’s possible to get through.
Sometimes we need someone to have a little faith in us.
The work I do with boys, young men and their families is special as well. Love getting the break throughs when people re-engage with their loe for each other and develop insights. Most parents don’t get how scary it is for their boys in school these days. They just get the defensiveness and withdrawal at home.
Young guys don’t get it that showing their vulnerability at home wont lead to them being picked on and bullied at school. I love it when the communication happens. They don’t get that loving their mum and showing it is well sexy to a prospective partner
Anyway, thanks for the post mate.
Hugs
Noel
Great points made, Noel. And I’m so glad you were able to have faith in the psychotherpy process enough to give it a try. I imagine your past experiences (and I’m so sorry for the hx of violence), have shaped you as a psychotherapist who has an especially acute and incisive frame of reference.
Yes–I completely agree about the special bond when working with young males. I think I try extra hard to convey the importance of emotional identification, and expression. It’s so hard for me to read press about bullying incidents–and this informs the work I do with the males. Even if a man comes to counseling, there’s likely a little boy inside who needs to heal.
Now, I’m probably guessing that ex-squaddies refers to the penal system…? I’ll Google it just in case.
Thanks for sharing your story, and your professional experiences. We need more male psychotherapists out there…
Thanks Linda, very important topic and you handled it very well.
I especially recognized #5. “When the pain is too great and you are feeling most vulnerable, it’s time to reframe your thinking and move in a direction that goes against the tide of cultural heritage. Give yourself permission to be vulnerable.”
I mostly see men in couples therapy and this is often what the wife or girlfriend is longing for when they are asking for a emotional connection.
I will definitely share this post.
Irene Savarese would like you to check out…Stop trying to change your partner and start making a difference
Thanks for sharing this post, Irene. Emotional connection–now there’s a topic for a blog post, if ever there was one, right? I think we need to make ‘vulnerability’ a more socially acceptable emotion and concept.
So glad you stopped by:).
My husband recently shared an article with me (NY Times I think) that discussed the feminization of the therapy field – that it had been taken over, essentially, by women. I didn’t read the article very closely but I think it was making the case for part of the reason so many men don’t go to therapy. More to discuss here. I need to find that article again!
Miriam would like you to check out…Burls of Wisdom
Nice article and important topic. I grew up with a family of men who would never think of counseling as a way to handle problems. Like you mentioned, we were supposed to “handle our shit.”
Do young males need to be taught to express themselves? You bet. I just don’t know if it’s gonna happen in this generation. I see the guys who commented are paving the way, but I believe the message is still, “man-up.”
That’s my guess, anyway.
squaddies, British slang term for soldiers
I saw a therapy training that is really powerful. There comes a point in the couples session where my dad just risks it all, calling out the “WTF dude?” to this man who isn’t sure he loves his wife. Finally, slowly, it comes out…………..
“I work in a shop [car mechanic] and can’t afford to come to work different.” The man says.
Therapist responds, “what do you mean, like squishy?”
The man, “Yeah.”
The great moment, older male therapist says to this younger male, “I can honestly tell you I see no risk of you becoming squishy.” (The man is a very straight up, extremely calm, some might say cold.)
The audience always reacts strongly to that part of the session but it hits on something core to therapy: can I afford to change? What strengths will I lose? What if I end up a crying baby who can’t man up again? What if it hurts MORE? What does it look like “on the other side” of therapy?
Great post, as always, Linda.
Miriam–I love that article, and thanks so much for the reference; Mr. Cynical (Dave)–I hope you’ve guessed wrong:(; Noel–haha–boy, did I guess wrong…eeks! ;Elizabeth–that is such a profound, powerful tale–did that really happen to your dad?
Do you find men find it easier talking with another man for a therapist?
Kelly Vandever would like you to check out…Presenting on Topics No One Wants to Hear About Create Your Own Zombie Apocalypse ala the CDC!
Hmmm…good question, Kelly. I always ask at the initial session if gender may be an issue. Usually they wanted a female perspective…who knows? though… since I’ve written this post I’ve come across some interesting info re: the dearth of male psychotherapists out there, so I’m inclined to believe that that fact informs some of the decisions to see a female.
Great post! I recently read “I don’t want to talk about it” by Terrence Reel excellent book on male depression. I have many male clients and most of them do get motivated externally to seek counseling. It’s easier for them to talk about addiction (drugs, sex, gambling) than it is to talk about depression or other negative emotions as if feelings are supposed to make one less of a “man”. They also tend to lack an emotional vocabulary. But they do eventually open up and are eager to learn to befriend their feelings, good or bad.
Hi Elvita–
Thanks for the important info. I’m so glad that you commentators are so well-versed in the subject of males and counseling/depression. I know I’ve learned a lot. This is such a vital demographic to target, and I’m going to be more proactive with making my services more male-friendly. Yes, I think it’s more common for men to come to therapy via external motivation.
I’m going to check out Amazon for the Terrence Reel book…I really appreciate your valuable insight, experience, and interest in this topic:).
Ah, male depression: the concept that finally helped me realize my father was forgivable. =) When I was 22, I found myself behaving exactly like him, yelling exactly like he did, saying the things he used to say, and came so very, shamefully close to hitting my toddler son. My hand was flying in midair and I just froze as realization hit me: holy crap, my dad had been depressed for most of my life! THIS was how he was feeling, and THIS is why he would lose it at us, and THIS is why we had a violent home. It wasn’t anything we did, it wasn’t because he hated me or I was no good.
In fact (and here’s where the heavens parted) it had NOTHING to do with me! Of course, then I realized holy crap, this problem is way more than I can handle and I’m no longer safe around my kid. But hey, it was a beginning.
Around here, we’re fond of joking around saying things like, “Real men wear pink!” etc., but I think really…the real saying is just that “Real men face their fears.” It takes serious cohones to go against everything culture and family have taught, go to counseling, and accept that no one can live up to the images of Dirty Harry, John McClane, et al. It’s too destructive.
Honestly, I have no idea where I’m going with my Psychology degree, but I’m not sure that I’d be able to help men the way they need. Part of it is gender. I mean, how many men would see it, even in part, as taking lessons on how to be more like a woman? How do I help them grow and overcome their depression while retaining (or even redefining) their manhood?
Delena
Delena Silverfox would like you to check out…Zone Diet Coupon Code
Hi Delena–
Wow–what a powerful moment/epiphany you had about your dad. And thank God you had the wits about you to stop the cycle of abuse. I really admire you for overcoming the odds. It almost breaks my heart when I hear the words “It had nothing to do with me” as it pertains to abusive relationships. I don’t care how mature, how well-behaved, or how in- touch with their feelings, children are not meant to be entrusted with adult insight.
I think the commentators here (and believe you me, I’m grateful for all of you) have shed some powerful light about what needs to happen in society for men to feel more comfortable identifying depressive symptoms;identifying their emotional state–including labeling and differentiating feelings; and not hiding behind the more “socially acceptable” presenting problems of substance abuse and infidelity in order to MAYBE seek counseling.
Great question about how to help men in a counseling relationship. I’d probably take their lead and ask “how does it feel to be a man in our society?”, and “how does it feel to be a man who’s vulnerable enough to ask for help with depression?”, and “what are your ideas as to what would help you feel better about expressing vulnerability?”, etc. We obviously have a long way to go, but every step counts.
Thanks for your (always) valued input:).
Therapy is slowly becoming more acceptable for men, but there is still huge resistance and pressure when it comes to men expressing their feelings. More needs to be done and talking about it helps.
@Mike–
Thanks for stopping by and acknowledging the importance of accepting the undenial fact that men deserve and need counseling. And yes, talking about it in an open forum is a step in the right direction:).
A young teenager once came to the clinic where I was working as an intern. His parents coaxed him into coming and the reason he hated it so much was that his friends would think he is a “sissy” if he came to a shrink; also he would get fewer girls is they found out he might be “crazy”! And that crying and letting it out is a girl thing! I think it just boils down to the social expectations of a perfect man we force ourselves to conform with. The social standards which we feel compelled to stick to and then feel the pressure of being there.
Loved the suggestions you give. Yes men! Man up!
Hi Linda, I’ve been writing about this myself recently and just came across your post.
It seems to me that acknowledging that you are depressed somehow affects the core of who you are as a person. I think that men’s identities (especially those of young men) are often quite shallow constructs, so the effect ‘coming out’ as depressed can be intense.
On a more practical level, I think that there are some good practical reasons for not wishing to formally diagnosed as depressed, such as the effect on employment prospects and insurance prospects. I don’t think society has got to the state of maturity in relation to mental illness and discrimination that it has in relation to some other areas of disadvantage.
Martin would like you to check out…Why depressed men don’t deal with depression
Hi Martin–
Thanks for weighing in–love a guy’s perspective on this topic. It’s sad but true that women don’t face the same stigma when it comes to depression.
I think part of the solution is to recognize that we all experience bouts of depression. Whether situational or physiological, nobody is immune. The label of depression doesn’t have to stick around forever. I hear what you’re saying about the stigma, but hopefully HIPPA is helping to protect a person’s confidentiality.
If our society recognized that we all have issues, and depression is one that many people experience, it may serve to reduce the stigma. That’s my hope, anyway.
Also, if more men would seek counseling when they’re experiencing the symptoms earlier would go a long way towards easing the mental burden.
Another commentator, Dan mentioned that by the time many men come to his office, there’s a host of other issues, and unfortunately, more substance use to contend with.
Thanks again for stopping by:).
Linda Esposito @TalkTherapyBiz) would like you to check out…Monday Morning Mental Health Maintenance Tip #14
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Yes, as a 21 year old man, the decision to start psychotherapy was possibly the most significant decision I’ve made thus far in my life.
I was depressed for just under three years and while eventually it got somewhat better, my baseline mood (mood without external stimuli) was pretty crappy. The first session, I started crying because I had NEVER had anyone ask me what was going on in my life sincerely. I’m one of thousands of kids (many of whom I went to school with) who never had a critical foundation of self-esteem given to them by their parents.
It’s interesting because our society perpetuates the saying “Real men don’t cry,” and yet strong men are supposed to live by their own rules and not be afraid to be themselves. The socially-constructed narrative around what men should and shouldn’t be is impossible to follow and destructive to try to follow. I’m so glad I’m not trying to live up to some insane stereotype and instead making choices that will lead to long-term happiness and expressing my feelings to those close to me.