Secrets of a Boundary-Driven Life
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The opposite of indecision is confidence.
~No is the second most beautiful word in the world, followed by self and awareness.
~Anxiety is not always a bad thing.
~When lost, remember you’re never far from home.
~You are good enough.
~“I’m not the cause, and I’m not the cure” is a great internal script when dealing with mean people.
~You don’t have to explain yourself as much as you think you do.
~Feeling sorry for people hijacks their ability to figure it out.
~You teach people how to treat you.
~Six-figure salaries and professional accolades don’t hold a candle to the job of raising emotionally healthy children.
~“I love my therapist!” are words you never want to say or hear.
~Embracing vulnerability is difficult but essential for emotional growth and deeper relationships.
~Sometimes fences make the best neighbors.
~Nobody ever died from their feelings.
~You have a finite amount of emotional energy every day and unused minutes do not roll over.
~People lead incredibly busy lives so be judicious with their time.
~The simplest way to get a read on someone is to observe their behaviors.
~You will find sickness if you don’t discover the Healthy Foods aisle.
~Drama is best left for the stage.
~Children have one shot at childhood.
~You create your reality through your thoughts, emotions and behaviors.
~Humor helps any situation.
~The teenage mindset is not hard to hack if you open your heart and suspend rigidity.
~Belief in abundance over scarcity reassures that there’s enough money, opportunities and experiences to go around.
~”I don’t have time” is the cousin of “You’re not important.”
~A good attitude is the easiest way to avoid time on the couch.
~Social skills are underrated.
~A narcissist cannot invade your space unless you open the door.
~The key to life is healthy boundaries.
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What’s your secret for maintaining boundaries?
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Have a boundary-filled week,
~Linda
I don’t think they’re exactly secrets, but I have two main ways I maintain boundaries.
1) I spend about 10 mins every day journaling where I set goals and then write down what happened and why. I see patterns and areas for improvement. It helps me keep fresh in my mind where I stand on things. Hard to maintain boundaries if you haven’t established boundaries or tracked the situations (and they’re usually repeat offenders) where you compromise those boundaries.
2) I have to give myself a gut check. Not exactly an innovative or sexy concept, but it’s the kind of “keep it simple stupid” that works. From experience I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that people will resent you and treat you unkindly for enforcing your boundaries. You just plain need to get it in your head that the flak you will take is not as bad as the damage that will be done if you don’t. I don’t think anyone is equipped to walk around all day feeling like a whipping post. I come from a military family, and I love a few navy SEAL sayings that relate to this. “Embrace the suck.” “The only easy day was yesterday.” The bottom line is that to win (in this case have a good, healthy life with boundaries), you have to be willing to lose (have someone mock you, leave you etc.)
Patrick Hayslett would like you to check out…Mirror Monitoring Month
Patrick–
Awesome point that some people will resent you for having boundaries–and yes, they will think you’re harsh, or whatever. I like the saying, “There is no everyone.” And it’s likely those who don’t have tight boundaries who will get offended.
“Embrace the suck.” <–love that!
Thanks for stopping by, my boundary-driven friend
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Linda @talktherapybiz would like you to check out…Secrets of a Boundary-Driven Life
My secret (weapons) : Listen closely, speak when invited into the conversation, and stay away from loud people. It weeds out those who are mainly interested in themselves.
Sage and spot-on, Dave!
This was a fun read Linda. I have several favorites in there!
Your question really made me stop and think about how I deal with boundaries personally and professionally.
Like Patrick, I don’t know if I have any secrets. I do think that being clear on my values and priorities is very helpful. Learning to say No respectfully has come in handy. Also, paying attention to when people are crossing my boundaries and I am letting them – then figuring out how to best handle it.
Thanks for the opportunity to reflect on this today!
Uriah Guilford would like you to check out…Social Media and Your Teenager – January Teleseminar
Wow–you made me think of a great boundary-tester, Uriah…questioning why we allow others to permeate our boundaries…I may have to do a 2.0 version!
Linda Esposito would like you to check out…Why Anxiety Doesn’t Suck
Hi Linda – Good question, made me think. Well, I guess these are not exactly secrets….but I am pretty selfish with my time. I give my time to my family, work, self-care, and a handful of true friends. I don’t do alot of acquaintance socializing, altho there is alot of that in my neighborhood and I do feel like I’m missing some fun parties. Well, can’t do everything. As far as client boundaries, I had good training with that at my first internship at a Partial Care Site, with persons with SPM. If you didn’t learn boundaries there, you drowned. Of course, I still sometimes feel like I am drowning, so then I call up my supervisor and see her. What else? I have learned to filter out alot of the internet marketing going on now, it is very invasive, has made me feel inadequate and anxious. So I have learned to filter out most of it as it is all the same, there is no magic bullet for business, just consistency and hard work.
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) would like you to check out…My Three Words for Mental Health in 2012
Kathy-
I totally agree that without boundaries we’re drowning. I can relate to the onslaught of online marketing info as well, and I have a little system going on that seems to work. Once I realized that much of the material is the same, I reduced the sites I visited and focused on the fundamentals…I don’t have it down, but I’m improving, and best of all I found that balance that is crucial for surviving online.
I originally included something like, “All endeavors in life require hard work” but I deleted it b/c I thought it was so obvious–so thanks for including it
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Looking forward to #MHON
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Linda @talktherapybiz would like you to check out…Secrets of a Boundary-Driven Life
I’m really enjoying these extras here. The one thing that helps me is to know that at the end of the day, no matter how bad or disappointing, I can start fresh and always learn from my mistakes when tomorrow comes.
And tomorrow always comes
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Such a nice text! It helped me to get over on this blue depressed day… My favorite sentence of yours was: “When lost, remember you’re never far from home”. And that’s what I1m going to do. I going home to my parents.
First, keep sharing these thought provoking posts! What great thoughts for setting limits! I like setting appointments with myself. Then when people ask if I’m free at a given time, I can honestly respond that I have an appointment.
JoAnn Jordan would like you to check out…Help with ideas
Love it JoAnn–I’m gonna start penciling myself in for a little me-time
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So many good points!
- Listen more than defend
- Talk to inform not to blame
- When you are blamed, remember it’s really not about you
irenesavarese would like you to check out…Most Popular Posts in 2011
Ooh–I’m really liking the ‘talk to inform not to blame.’ And I can see how a couples counselor would use these three points a lot.
Thanks for sharing Irene
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Great stuff as always!!
If I may:
- Know the times when Silence truly is golden
- Cherish your health, you may not always have it
Dan–
Yes. Cherish your health. I was reminded about this golden nugget when sick with food poisoning yesterday. I was never so grateful as this morning when I awoke feeling healthy again. Oh, the things we take for granted…
Lovely post Linda.
Here’s another:
- Give with expecting anything in return, and you will receive double than what you would have got had you been giving just to receive something back.
Thanks Hiten
. I think you meant to write ‘give without…’ and yes, I totally agree with that. Especially for those in social media. There’s nothing worse than spying someone’s Twitter stream and it’s an endless ad for self-promotion.
Fun boundary statements to think about.
A good reminder for me is: You teach people how to treat you. I know that one but can slip at times. cherry
cherry woodburn would like you to check out…Day 10 Coming of Age at 62 | Emotions Rock!
We all slip Cherry. The key is to hit more than miss…;).
Linda,
I love this post. Boundaries can be such a challenge, since we don’t always have good role models to teach them. I appreciated Patrick’s point that setting boundaries can result in push-back from those around you, especially if the boundaries mean a change to the previous status quo.
I frequently remind myself–and my clients–that setting good boundaries, especially around our self-care is one of the best ways that we can take care of those who are counting on us. Our boundaries prevent us from burning out, so that we can continue to provide care and support.
Warmly,
Ann
Ann Becker-Schutte, Ph.D. would like you to check out…My 3 Words for 2012
Thanks Ann. I really appreciated Patrick’s POV, as well. I guess that’s another boundary though, when others resent us for having boundaries, we just vow to keep them up. Yes, self-care is a mental/physical/emotional/spiritual health imperative.
And I completely agree how foreign and difficult boundary setting is when we didn’t have good role models. Thankfully we can bring that to our clients
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I personally like “No is a complete answer” Great post Linda!
Thanks Elvita–and thanks for the FB shout-out–much appreciated.
Hi Linda!
Wow, a lot of favorites in there, a few that you finally helped me put into words, and a few that I still need to work on a lot (like the whole explaining myself thing).
Two other keys to healthy(-ier) boundaries is a quote I love to use that people hate to hear: “I live to serve…just not you,” and “Give a mouse a cookie…”
The first is pretty self-explanatory. I have my priorities, and anyone who doesn’t make it on that list will just have to wait for spare time/money/energy/charity. People can’t suck away all my time or emotional energy unless I allow them to. So I put them in their place right from the beginning.
And if I let one moment of weak-spined behavior set a precedent, then it’s just like giving that little mouse a cookie. Next he’ll want a glass of milk. With all the nitwits out there, “Well, you didn’t say anything last time!” will become a chorus as they invade my boundaries inch by inch. So I just don’t let them set a precedent for disrespect. If that makes me seem cold or mean, then so be it. Only emotionally healthy grown-ups allowed in this club anyway! =)
Thanks again, Linda. This is a fantastic list. I think I’ll print it out and tack it above my computer!
Delena
If it’s any consolation, I learned the explanation thing very late in life. But let me tell you, once you internalize that one–Wow! Talk about an excess of emotional energy.
Me and my son happen to be reading The Tale of Despereaux (mouse tale), so now I’ll be thinking about your boundary tonight before bedtime
. Yes, it’s super important to set precedents with people from the get-go. This one can be hard as we want to impress the new people in our lives…best to be real from the start and let them make the decision if the relationship is a good fit.
Here’s to The Emotionally Healthy Grown-Ups Club!
Thanks for sharing Delena.
This is an awesome post, Linda. So may quotable nuggets…”Six-figure salaries and professional accolades don’t hold a candle to the job of raising emotionally healthy children.” “Drama is best left for the stage.” I’m printing it out too and sharing it everywhere.
Alison Golden – The Secret Life of a Warrior Woman would like you to check out…The Zen of Timelessness
Oh and I tend to listen to my gut. If someone makes me feel ‘off’ even if I have never spoken to them, I stay away. 9/10 when I ignore that feeling, I regret it. There are reasons we evolved to have heightened awareness at certain times. Our unconscious is a powerful thing. And I love the point, ” narcissist cannot invade your space unless you open the door.” I’ve had to slam a few doors in my time but nearly always because I ignored that first instinct. I agree with you that those that are offended by boundary setting are those without clear boundaries themselves. Working with a great bunch of therapists taught me that – in the positive sense. Clear boundaries = clarity in relationship. Fuzzy boundaries = messy relationships.
Alison Golden – The Secret Life of a Warrior Woman would like you to check out…The Zen of Timelessness
Alison!
So great to have you here once again–can’t wait to read about your self-imposed social media sabbatical…
Great point about listening to our gut. Even if we haven’t evolved emotionally or experience-wise, we all know when something doesn’t feel quite right. The key is trusting our internal compass and heightened sense of alarm, as you mentioned.
I only wish I fell in love with boundaries earlier in life. Yes, I have met a few too many narcissists in my time–sadly, I didn’t ignore the (glaringly obvious) warning signs. Some lessons we just have to learn the hard way.
Did I already mention that I’m really excited to read about what you learned and experienced while roughing it…?
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Linda @talktherapybiz would like you to check out…Got Anxiety? 7 Minutes of Stress Relief and Relaxation
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Lisa Van Der Merwe would like you to check out…Why Does Pleasure Make You Feel Guilty?