Should You Tell Your Kids About Santa?
“Mom, today during recess Ethan said Santa was fake,” cried my 9 year old son last December.
Me: “Uhhhhh….”
9 year old: “Well, is he? Did you lie to me?”
Me: “Uhhhhh…”
This is the question many parents dread. I’m grateful to Dr. Susan Giurleo for posing this challenge to psychotherapists, even though it came about a year late in my house 
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The good Lord knows I’ve died a thousand deaths since coming clean about St. Nick last year. I’m not even sure if the anger is because Santa’s not real; because I lied in the first place, or due to some other issue…
The latest jab sounds something like this, ”Last Christmas you weren’t very…what’s that ‘a’ word you’re always talking about…?”
Me: “Authenticity. You’re right–I wasn’t authentic.”
10 y/o: “No, Mom. You lied.”
Why we lie about Santa Claus:
~It’s tradition
~It’s familiar
~He’s mythical, joyous, and fun
~Kids are adorable when they believe in Santa
~Reindeer are cute
~We can blame him if we can’t afford all the toys on Junior’s wishlist
~He’s a great bribing tool 364 days of the year
~We get to eat more cookies
~We want to repair/recreate/resolve our childhood holidays
~Denial is sometimes fun
~The truth hurts
~Children have one shot at childhood
The right time to reveal Santa Claus
“Theres really no one right time to tell kids that theres no Santa Claus,” says Glen Elliott, Ph.D. Elliott is an associate professor and the director of the department of child and adolescent psychology at the University of California, San Francisco. The important thing is to take your cues from the child, and not try to prolong the fantasy for your own enjoyment when they may be ready to give it up.
Follow your childs lead.
Like Elliott, many experts agree that parents should wait for their children to give them signs that theyre ready to give up believing in St. Nick. When children start putting together in their minds that Santa Claus may not be real, theyll ask questions and thats an opening for parents to get them talking about whats logical or not to them, says Helen Egger, Ph.D., a child psychologist at the department of child and adolescent psychology at Duke University.
For instance, your daughter might start getting suspicious about the three different Santas she sees during the course of a day of shopping. Or your son might ask questions about how Santa can get to every house in the world in one night, or how he gets into houses with no chimneys.
Like many of you with older children I fumbled though various versions of the truth in order to make the lie more palatable. Honestly, I think it was nearly as traumatic a milestone for me. One of my fondest memories was trying to fall asleep on Christmas Eve knowing that Santa would arrive at some magical hour.
Conversely, I’ll never forget the time my older cousin spilled the Santa beans.
10 y/o: “I kinda thought something was up last Christmas when my stocking was the only one with presents. You should’ve thought of that one, Mom.”
Me: “Right. Remember the other term I’ve been teaching you?”
10 y/o: “Oh, yeah. Passive-aggressive.”
Me: “Exactly. Now let’s enjoy the holidays and celebrate the traditions of giving, the wonders of the imagination, and gratitude for childhood memories.”
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What about you?
When is the right time to tell your child(ren) about Santa Claus?
Happy Holidays!
~Linda
*Bonus: Check out Norad Tracks Santa for lots of fun-filled games and Santa sitings.
{Photo: Robert M. Hoge }
P.S. Please be patient with any tech glitches encountered on this site…Coming soon–TalkTherapyBiz redesign and How to Think Like a Shrink product launch are the culprits 
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Wonderful article Linda! Maybe because it’s so close to my heart this holiday season – with a 9yr old and a 7 yr old, it’s hard to keep the lie alive, especially as a forgetful dad who may not always change the hiding spot of the old Elf on a Shelf, or forgets to purchase new wrapping paper “from Santa”, the list could go on.
I like Dr. Elliott’s feedback – let your child lead, or for us in the therapy world, “go where the child is at.” When they are ready, they will let us know – just like so many other things in our children’s lives that we fret over, they do a pretty good job of letting us know when they are ready.
As for us and Santa, I’m still conjuring up stories, many of which I am sure double back on themselves. And I am sure I’ve been caught in a lie or two about St. Nick, as I’ve gotten my own “are-you-telling-the-truth”-look right back at me from my own daughter. But for now, it’s harmless, cute, fun, traditional, build memories, and all the other parents are doing it… There are a lot of reason to keep Santa going for as long as you can.
Hey Dan!
At the risk of sounding like a bad parent, I totally agree! Keep the Santa thing going for as long as you can…
I was laughing at some of the same mistakes–yeah, like too cheap and green to throw away old wrapping paper, and don’t get me started on those big Christmas size gift bags…
Some people are super evangelical about not lying about St. Nick. Whew! Any topic that involves parenting is bound to cause quite a stir.
They have one shot at childhood, I say.
Thanks for weighing in. May your 9 and 7 y/o girls have a Santa filled holiday
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I agree that this is a controversial topic, especially if you live in certain areas of the country.
Is telling your kids about Santa lying?
I guess so. But it’s not nearly as damaging as keeping family secrets alive. At least Santa is universal, so I guess we’re all going to rot in hell :p.
Beth–
Hehe! I can’t believe how “up in arms” people get about the Santa thing.
Perhaps if we had our priorities straight as a society, we’d be outraged over people like Jerry Sandusky.
Thanks for writing this post, Linda! My son is 8 and asks the “is Santa real?” question frequently. We always reply, “What do you think?”
“I think he’s real.” So we go with it. He loves Elf on a Shelf, too. But he never asks to visit Santa at the mall, he doesn’t want to mail his letter to Santa (he writes it, but sending it isn’t a priority). We don’t push these things. If he isn’t asking, we don’t offer more than once.
The thing is, I think, deep down, he knows the truth, but he wants to hang on to the magic, so we let him. : )
Oh, Susan–I feel a tinge in my heart for your 8 year old. I think when my kid asked if Santa was real, my first reaction was that ol’ therapy standby, “Well, what do you think?”…
Keep the magic alive, I say!
P.S. What is this Elf on a Shelf thing-y???
Hi Linda – Love this. Well, Will is 17, so it’s been a while. But I remember the FUN we had when Santa was real in our house. Sleeping in sleeping bags by the fireplace trying to get a glimpse of the old man in red (Will is a sound sleeper!). I used to take boots, put them in the ashes of the fire, and then stomp tracks into the house, knock over candles, etc. Then he began to sort of realize it, I guess on his own and from school. He asked some pointed questions, and I evaded the answers, asking the old “What do you think?” question of him. I remember that year (not sure which year it actually was) , and he wanted to keep it going, and he did just one more year, and then it was over. He talks so fondly of the happy childhood memories he had dreaming about Santa & the reindeer, It is not something to miss. There needs to be some magic in this world, no? When he was in first grade, the teachers told him on St. Patrick’s Day, that the leprechauns would come to the classroom. They sprinkled sparkly dust around the classroom and said it was from the leprechauns. He was so intrigued. He came home and made a leprechaun trap out of a cardboard box with the cookies and it. That night, I put sparkly dust outside and then up the steps to the door and up to the leprechaun trap. When Will woke up the next morning of course there was no leprechaun, but she was so wide-eyed and exciting that the leprechaun was even there. It was a lot of fun.
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) would like you to check out…Infant Sleep Methods Part Five – Dr. Sears
Kathy–
I have tears in my eyes re: Will’s childhood holidays. I totally agree that there needs to be some magic in the world. I think it’s as vital for us parents as for the kids. Now I think you win the “holiday mom” award with the extra step of knocking over the candles…:). I was so worried that my son would find out the truth about Santa from school. I so wish we could’ve kept it up for one more year. I’m really mourning that magical time.
Ok–the leprechaun story is priceless–I’m loving the idea of a leprechaun trap with cookies as bait…too adorable.
Hi Linda!
Our oldest is 5 & so he still believes, but he has started to notice that Santa looks different when he shows up in places around town.
Maybe Santa won’t live very long in our house. But looking forward to this Christmas as he is super-excited. He wrote a letter to Santa because he was to scared to tell him when he sat on his lap (he drew pictures since he can’t write much yet) and put it by the front door since we don’t have a chimney.
Love that kid
Sean Stanek would like you to check out…The End of a Journey…
Hey Sean!
I know–it’s kinda hard since we live in a multi-cultural world nowadays to think of the traditional “white” Santa. Oh, I hope your son can keep the fantasy alive for a few more years, at least. It would break my heart to think that with the speediness of info/technology today, that children are robbed of Santa memories.
Awww–I think sitting on Santa’s lap can be intimidating. Just make sure to hide that letter in a safe place so your son doesn’t hap upon it. My friend found his letter to Santa in an office drawer and that’s when he knew Santa was mom and dad.
Yeah, our first place didn’t have a chimney, and I told Junior that Santa ate too many cookies so he would have to come through the kitchen door. It worked
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Happy Holidays!
Clearly I failed completely on this one. When my kids started asking me questions, I asked with the standard, “Well, what do YOU think?” Then they would regale me with all sorts of permutations of what they thought really went on and I stayed quiet. Eventually we came to some sort of understanding where they knew in their heart of hearts but really they wanted to continue to believe so we carried on with the charade. Like you say, I thought it adorable and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I’ve never felt this conflict about lying. Came naturally!
This year we are more ‘real’ (they found the gifts under the bed) but still they want to make the signs, the map to their bedrooms, cookies and reindeer food left out for Santa. They’re 11. When (and how) will it end?
Alison Golden – The Secret Life of a Warrior Woman would like you to check out…Harry Potter Eats Christmas Pudding
Alison–
You’re such a therapist
. The ol’, “well, what do YOU think?” is as old as the Queen’s English…pardon the pun.
Now I feel like I blew it after reading about you and Susan’s more whimsical response. I remember just blurting out, “Yes, he’s fake” or something lame like that when my son asked…
I love that you guys are carrying on the traditions. It must help that you have twins and they can tag team you guys with the double charade.
Hehe! Still laughing about your natural abilities in the probity department
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Linda Esposito would like you to check out…Get Rid of Holiday Stress Once and for All
My kids are 17 and 18, but only three years ago they put out milk and cookie for Santa and noticed that we had forgotten to drink the milk and eat the cookies. They laughed and I think they have fun memories of when they believed and like the magic of Christmas.
It was the same with Easter. I had thrown out the old plastic eggs thinking that we were over egg hunting. But no, I had to bye new ones. The twist was that they hid the eggs for us that year.
I think it is about traditions and having a good time together. I was honest about Santa the year they kept laughing and looking at me like they were waiting to see what I was going to say. I explained that believing in Santa is a tradition in our culture and that parents love to give their kids lots of present and participate in their joy and excitement. I am sure they will do the same when they have kids.
Lovely post Linda, and I hope Santa visit your house after all.
PS: My new thing is to give my kids special presents from Santa, which always make them laugh and roll their eyes – priceless.
irenesavarese would like you to check out…Al Pacino, Football and Team Work – Survival Strategies for Couples
Aww–that’s so sweet Irene
. And to think some grown up kids still uphold the traditions that others find childish. I think it’s about parenting, too. Parents who take joy in celebrating life, and bringing creativity to the holidays are going to have more fun, and produce more emotionally well kids.
I love Easter! Maybe I can bring back the Easter bunny, too. I almost forgot that when the Santa beans spilled, the next line from Junior was something like, “Oh great, does this mean the Easter bunny’s a fake, too?”
Thanks for sharing, and may Santa bring joy to your family for years to come:).
Linda would like you to check out…Why Anxiety Doesn’t Suck
Linda,
What a timely article. My kids are still little, and so they haven’t asked a lot of questions, but we’ve thought a lot about what happens when they do (therapist occupational hazard). I know that in my family, the sting that may have been present finding out about Santa was eased because there was always someone younger around. So you got to transition from believing in Santa to being Santa–which felt like a great trade!
I fully believe that we all need a little magic, and I love the description of Santa as a tradition rather than a lie. What a nice frame for this question.
Warmly,
Ann
Ann Becker-Schutte, Ph.D. would like you to check out…Complicated Grieving: When Grief Persists
Thanks for sharing Ann. I never thought of having the older children transitioning to Santa–that’s great!
I have to thank Susan Giurleo for the idea–and I’m so pleasantly surprised that people are not reacting negatively to the Santa fantasy. Or…maybe the ones who believe that Santa is a lie are not commenting
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Happy Holidays!
When I was a kid I always got two presents. One from my parents and the other from Father Christmas. For a few years I would wake up in the middle of the night and sit at the top of the stairs waiting for him. But he never came. One particular year, I looked at the handwriting on the present I got from my mum and the one I got from Santa. The handwriting on both looked exactly the same. My belief in the magical Santa was no more
Hiten would like you to check out…Why talking helps to deal with anxiety
Aww–that’s so sad Hiten. Amazing how lazy parents can be. I’ve heard quite a few tales of seeing presents under the sofa, identical wrapping paper from year to year, hiding gifts in hall closets, etc…
That’s so cute that you waited for Santa, although it’s kinda tragic, too
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I think adults don’t realize how much kids want to believe in the magic of Christmas and other holidays.
May you find some Santa magic once again
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Linda Esposito would like you to check out…Why Therapy is Awesome for Artists
Linda, the Elf on a Shelf is a little Elf that comes from the North Pole to live in your home until Christmas Eve,when he returns to the North Pole when Santa comes by and takes him on his sleigh. Our Elf is named “Hermie.” The Elf is keeping an eye out to make sure the kids are being nice : ). Elf moves around at night, does little mischief-y things (ours plugs in the Christmas lights in my son’s room when he is at school). Our Elf also writes occasional notes to Alex and he writes back. Alex seems to like the Elf concept more than Santa and said today, I”m going to miss Hermie..” Heartbreakingly sweet…
Susan Giurleo would like you to check out…35 Blog Posts I Wish Therapists Would Write This Holiday Season
Thanks for the reference Susan. I’m sure if we did the Elf on a Shelf, he’d likely get left behind on Christmas day…:). Too much pressure to be all-things Santa. Like our mom’s used to say, “It takes a lot of little lies to maintain the original.”
Long live Hermie!
Linda would like you to check out…A Critic, A Worrier, and a Perfectionist Walk Into A Bar…
Holiday traditions of all kinds make this season so special and magical for children. Extend the magic for as long as you can, i say. Childhood ends all too quickly these days.
Melanie Greenberg would like you to check out…Accomplish Your New Dreams in the New Year