Stopping the Complain Train Before it Derails Your Sanity
- anxiety depression image
How I wish I could post this on the outside of my psychotherapy office door on some days.
You may feel the same if you’re a fellow therapist, a life/biz/parent coach, or basically any professional working in a client-centered industry. While most of my interactions are positive, there are those who are a bit more challenging.
This post is about:
1). The Little Train that Could…
…Not. Stop. Complaining. (Despite the anxiety and depression it carried around all day long), and
2). How to get off the Bitch Track and play the Reframe Game.
All aboard!
Grab a drink. You’ll need it as we begin our journey with a slow torturous ride through the vast, flat prairie in a land called Nowhere.
We may be lost, but we’re making great time, as Tim Brownson might say.
Next stop, Anxiety Avenue:
“The non-stop Amtrak Complain route offers you the best ways to get around Reality. The Negative Thought trains with connecting service to the Amtrak Talking-Trash Thruway buses reach more than 90 destinations in the Catastrophic Thinking State! Learn more about the individual routes and get ready for the Could-it-be-a-more-dysfunctional? travel experience.”
Because on some days, I might as well be a weary train conductor, the way certain individuals come to psychotherapy sessions to hold me hostage complain. And spend a pretty penny for the privilege.
Until I stop them in their tracks…
When the therapy hour = 48 Minutes of Train Wreck and 2 minutes of reframed insight:
- When you continually complain, I end on the 50-minute mark. Extra seconds be damned.
Reframe: Even the most ardent complainer tends to possess a modicum of self-awareness and compassion (that would be where the 2 minutes comes in).
- When every 48 psychotherapy clients I see are lovely, save for the 2 who rode in on the Complain Train.
Reframe: 2 is a lot less than 48. And it’s not like they’re happy with their present situation. Dig deep for that intervention.
- When there are at least 48 kids living in South everywhere Los Angeles during any given moment who are so starved for attention, they would gladly accept your negative energy.
Reframe: This one’s a bitch. I’ve worked with countless inner-city youth, so, um…nothing’s coming to mind right now.
But maybe you can come up with something and post it in the comments box below. And that would be really great 
.
- When 2 equals the cups of wine I (God willing) have at home to ease the frazzled nerves from riding shotgun on the Worried Well Express.
Reframe: While some people are hell-bent on grousing, the vast majority are not. I chose this profession, and every job has its drawbacks. Maybe I need to put on my big girl panties now, and not hit the damn bottle;).
- When 2 is equivalent to the number of brain cells I possess @ 7:32 p.m. when you’re still not ‘taking in’ the positive reframes I offer.
Reframe: Thank you sweet Jesus for the fact that I get to go home, relax, and recharge. Tomorrow is a new day. Please bless my client, and grant me the patience and skill to work through the resistance.
*Sigh*
It’s not that me and my psychotherapy brethren don’t possess compassion for ‘where the client is at;’ it’s just that sometimes that ‘is at’ is so much farther in terms of privilege and external resources than the next guy…
…and we all consider the next guy, right?
Holla, if you’re ready to jump that Complain Train and tumble into reality, compassion, and perspective.
No matter if the tracks of your complaining ways seem to go on forever in one long, flat, straight line, you can still change course.
Are you ready to take a journey that is not set by unyielding one-way tracks?
Begin by putting on your big girl panties/big boy pants.
One leg at a time.
I think you can. I think you can. I think you can.
“This is Gratitude Street Station, 50 Anti-Anxiety Avenue, Los Angeles. Please check your overhead luggage rack for any personal baggage you would like to leave behind. Next station stop, Self-Awareness Street.”
***
Thanks for riding shotgun.
And I’m not joking when I say I could use a little help with the ‘inner city youth’ reframe above.
Please leave your comments in the box below:).
If you enjoyed this post, please click ‘like’ in the Facebook box to the right (side bar) –>.
Have a complaint-free rest of your week,
~Linda
(Photo: enders_princess via Flickr)
said 
Cleverly written post and with good points Linda. Here’s a possible reframe:
When there are at least 48 kids living in South everywhere Los Angeles during any given moment who are so starved for attention, they would gladly accept your negative energy
Rather than expending my energy ruminating on the 48 I will give my positive energy to 1 kid today and hope that s/he pays it forward.
Cherry Woodburn would like you to check out…DearJohn- While You’re Redefining Rape- Why Not Robbery Too
Thanks Cherry! It’s amazing how even the smallest amount of emotional energy directed positively at a youth goes a long way. I appreciate the reframe;).
Hi Linda – You have a great imagination! I have to say, I get frustrated with ppl who seem to come in **just** to complain. But then what I find **often** (see I hate to generalize!) but **often** these people are able to move off of this stance after being in mental health treatment for a few months. I said mental health treatment, not coaching. Ok – I hate generalizations – but here goes…often the complainer/blamers are heavily defended, unable to process their emotional life due to well, something, whatever, say, abuse, pride, fear, low self-esteem, immaturity, depression, codependence (no code for that!), etc….
so after a while (could be a long while) usually the treatment (deep listening, unconditional positive regard, CBT methods, re-framing, etc) does kick in and there is a small shift one day. And I am stunned at how small the shift might be, like a small statement at the end of a session, that goes along the lines of ” Well, you know, maybe I HAVE changed, mayeb I need to look at me” and then they run out the door, and we begin to deal with that glimmer of self-responsibility that has been crushed by abuse, codependency, whatever, etc…and it is little by little….
It is a glorious time for me, when I KNOW that what I do makes a difference.
Thanks for showing a lot of insight and compassion to the tendency to complain. I didn’t go into the dynamics, but I think I should’ve consulted you before I hit ‘publish.’
And you’re right–if someone is spends a few month coming to mental health treatment for anxiety, depression, or whatever the presenting issue, there is motivation to change.
Honestly, and maybe I gave too much credence to the 4% of my caseload, the complain train riders are few-and-far-between.
I appreciate your input and clinical expertise, Kathy:).
Cool post Linda, I like your style!
Those kinds of clients are draining on the spirit, but they need to be understood first and then redirected to “other parts” in themselves that see things differently. So here is my take on a possible “reframe”: “What would you advice someone very much like yourself (and in the same position as you see yourself in), to do?” Some people will be able to see things a little differently when allowed to keep the old complaining part and allow a new slightly different perspective. Here is a take on a reply: ” I would tell her to shape the F up and…” She might laugh and then quickly dismiss what she said. But too late my friends – it is already out there. She might feel tricked, but if it works!
Truly Irene
Irene Savarese would like you to check out…I Fell In Love and then…What the heck happened
Oh! I love the reframe Irene! Now why didn’t I think of that one? Of course your suggestion makes sense. Then it’s not as if I’m attacking their complaint, but rather depersonalizing it by shifting the perspective.
Thanks–you rocked that one, and I do appreciate it!
Such fun reading this, Linda! It was like therapy for the therapist! Can be frustrating at times to “see” how much easier a client’s life would be if only… and woosh my therapist self brings me back to my office. It’s wonderful on the other hand to know there’s work for us… : )
Here’s a short video with comedian Bob Newart on this very topic. that I think you may enjoy! http://bit.ly/eduqB0
Hi Athena–safe to say there will always be work for us…I think it’s a matter of moving ‘em off the couch quicker. I remember a therapist saying , in response to my suggestion to terminate “You’ve been ready for a long time.” Maybe b/c I gave up the wretched habit of complaining…
Thanks for the humorous Nob Newhart–God love him!
As always, some great writing Linda. You always seem to be hitting on topics that are of relevance in my own life. Reframing is such an important skill to understand and embrace.
Jason
Hey Jason-
Well, I am in your head, after all…JK;). Glad to be hitting the relevant topics for you. We all need to practice reframing on a daily basis. I still struggle.
Thanks for stopping by:).
I remember when I read “I Know This Much Is True” by Wally Lamb, he goes to therapy and his therapist listens to him complain and list all the wrongs done to him over the course of his life. Then she interrupts him and says that most people don’t want to fix anything, don’t really want therapy. What they really want is tourists through their museum of misery. It’s validation that yes, they really do have the suckiest life imaginable.
I personally hate pity parties. I might be a Psychology major, but I don’t know that I have the strength to be a therapist like you. I’d have my license revoked for slapping my clients senseless after they drove me crazy with incessant complaining!
More power to you. =)
Delena
Delena Silverfox@Coupon Codes would like you to check out…iContact Coupon Code
Hey Delena-
First, thanks for such a great reference to Wally Lamb. I remember reading that book in grad school, but forgot about that therapy interaction. And honestly, this post is written for those couple people out there who unfortunately want validation that their life is the suckiest one imaginable. I guess the passage stuck with me on some level, right?!
Pity parties suck, for sure. Thanks for your honest assessement about how the possible profession of a therapist may not be the best fit. It takes a lot of strength, patience, and compassion to listen to complaining. That said, most clients don’t complain too much. They usually realize that the therapist will turn out to be like their family members, co-workers, neighbors, etc., and not listen, feel sorry, or buy into the crappiness of it all.
Thanks for sharing:).
This is a very witty post and I saw it as more tongue in cheek than literal. Actually, thinking about how to handle it makes me think of the difference between traditional cognitive-behavior therapy versus the new acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). ACT would tell you to tell the client to invite their negative thoughts on the bus (or train!), as long as they’re driving it. In other words, just watch their thoughts going along their track, but not necessarily see this as the true reality of their lives and making choices about their behavior based on values, not these thoughts. A different approach, but one I find useful when people are caught up in the negative.
Melanie A. Greenberg, PhD would like you to check out…Where Did All the Time Go
This is a very witty post and I saw it as more tongue in cheek than literal. Actually, thinking about how to handle it makes me think of the difference between traditional cognitive-behavior therapy versus the new acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). ACT would tell you to tell the client to invite their negative thoughts on the bus (or train!), as long as they’re driving it. In other words, just watch their thoughts going along their track, but not necessarily see this as the true reality of their lives, and make choices about their behavior based on values, not these thoughts. A different approach, but one I find useful when people are caught up in the negative.
Melanie A. Greenberg, PhD would like you to check out…Where Did All the Time Go
Hi Melanie-
I will give ACT the ‘ol college try the next time I encounter this tendency in the therapy room. I like how thoughts are almost removed from the person, thereby creating some distance and perspective.
Thanks for this wonderful suggestion:).
Actually, I think that ‘This is what I’m here for. Today. Right now. Not everyday. Not for everybody. Just today for this person for this fifty minutes. Apparently this is how I can help this person right now.’
And I block everything else out. I usually need a cup of tea afterwards.
Alison Golden would like you to check out…3 Things I Never Told You- A Letter To My Kids
Wow–that’s a beautiful and Zen-like way to reframe the complainers.
Man, Alison–wish I could be as classy as you. I could only drink tea if spiked with Vodka-ugh!
Thank you for the lovely reframe:).