This Is Not My Butt…
…and the majority of you don’t care because you came here for the “free therapy,” and not the body parts, right?
But I damn-near guarantee you’d cry like a dehydrated infant upon discovering that I lied to you if we met online and this image was posted on my profile.
Huh?
This post is about 1) what happens to your relationships when you don’t keep it real, 2) how to embrace authenticity, and 3) how to get an ass EXACTLY like this photo.
Just kidding 
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One of the hardest lessons to convey to psychotherapy clients is the importance of the authentic self. And sadly, the absence of an authentic existence means you’re living an anxious and unsatisfied one.
Part of the problem is that authenticity is practically relegated to psychobabble.
Authenticity seems to be the value of the moment, rolling off the tongues of politicians, celebrities, Web gurus, college admissions advisers, reality television stars. In recent months it’s been cited by the likes of Katie Couric; Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton; former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, even Pope Benedict XVI, says the New York Times.
Definition of Authentic: not false or copied; genuine; real.
Let’s say you’re a man visiting an online dating website and you come across a woman of interest. Her photo looks good, and she’s within your age range. According to her profile, she’s educated, holds a respectable job, and comes from a loving family. Additionally, she shares many of your hobbies.
You’ll probably hit her up, right?
But there’s just one problem. Jane Doe constructed this reality to hide her inner and outer flaws. She’s afraid to reveal the truth because you might presume she’s unstable due to her family’s history of addiction, or reject her because she’s 35 and outside your desired age range of 27-34.
And the profile picture, well, it’s about eight years old. And a few jean sizes ago. Jane rationalizes that if you just spend time together, you’ll grow to accept her for who she really is.
Compounding matters is her assumption that her baggage is transparent. Meaning even if she doesn’t disclose the details of her family life over that first glass of Italian Primativo, she believes you can see right through her.
Kind of like how I know that some of you licked the computer screen a minute ago…;).
The problem with authenticity
~We’re afraid of the truth.
~We like our human behavior simple.
~It’s easier to pretty something up with a lie than expend the mental energy to confront reality.
~We don’t like to feel embarrassed.
(And not that you asked, but don’t think I didn’t feel like a total ass when I asked Jackie Kiwata, my friend and longtime kickboxing instructor to use her butt picture for this blog post).
~We like stories with happy endings: “I’m definitely playing a role,” hip-hop star Nicki Minaj explained in BlackBook magazine. “They don’t pay to see me roll out of bed with crust in my eyes, and say, ‘Hey guys, this is me, authentic.’ They pay for a show.”
~Technology means we’re accustomed to the ‘edited’ truth behind social media and reality television.
~You can’t borrow authenticity anymore than you can cheat time, re-create your childhood, or surgically implant a calmer central nervous system.
~The opposite of authentic is a hypocrite.
And nobody likes a hypocrite, right?
7 Ways to embrace authenticity
1). Make a list of what you want to change.
2). Circle the things you control, like lying or using work as an excuse to avoid relationships.
3). If stuck, talk to a friend or family member. If you’re not ready to verbalize your shortcomings, imagine what this person would identify as your psychological issues.
4). Gather your list, take a deep breath and sit with your unattractive traits. Remind yourself that you’ve spent a considerable amount of emotional energy avoiding and suppressing change, rather than doing something about your unhappiness.
5). Do nothing.
6). Locate your calendar and schedule a time tomorrow to pick up where you left off. Trust me, it’s more meaningful when you’ve had time to digest and sleep on your limitations. Also, confronting denial takes a lot of courage. You need this time to mindfully reflect.
7). Come up with an action plan.
For example: Problem: My partner acts passive-aggressively and I feel ashamed that I’m not strong enough to confront this truth. It’s easier to get angry and pick a fight.
Action plan:
a) I accept reality (after all, there’s a big difference between, Jack prepared a very authentic Mexican meal, and I’ve been living a lie for the past seven years of marriage).
b) I won’t allow my partner to manipulate me regarding his/her version of the truth. I’ll stick to my guns about why I’m not ready to move in together.
c) I will stand up for myself when my partner discusses my weight. I’m dieting because I want to feel healthier, and not because I fear losing sexual points.
d) I will not react in a passive-aggressive manner. Rather than “forget” to call the contractor about the fence, I’ll tell my partner what’s on my mind.
e) I’ll stop explaining myself. If I don’t want a dog, I’ll say so and refuse to engage in arguments and backtracking when s/he makes me feel guilty. <–Oops! Reframe: Nobody can make me do anything. If I feel guilty, it’s my issue and I’m responsible for this.
f) I’ll think creatively and not rely on conformity, routine and habit. I’ll take the unpopular stance, even if this alienates friends and family.
f) I’m throwing guilt to the curb. I’m a flawed person, just like the next guy/gal. I am good enough.
Moral of the story: The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. ~Anna Quindlen
½-Ass Moral of this story: If you don’t have a butt that bullets could bounce off, don’t pretend you do…
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What’s your authenticity advice?
Or hell, just give some workout tips that don’t involve 1,000 lunges per day for a perky posterior (!).
said 
If you tell me your authentic I’m going to think you’re about as real as a $3.00 bill.
(Why do I suddenly feel like hitting the gym
)
Beth–that’s a good one! Yes–hitting the gym is a damn fine thing…
Greet advice here. And, it definitely is attention grabbing.
JoAnn Jordan would like you to check out…Conscious Aging
Yes JoAnn–attention-grabbing is authentically apropos!
My authenticity tip is it’s very hard to be authentic with others for fear of how they might judge you, yet it’s even harder to be authentic with yourself and take an accurate look in the mirror.
Before you can be authentic with others, you have to be authentic with yourself and accept whatever reality is in front of you. The first layer of the false self that has to get broken down starts with you, not with how you project yourself to others. That’s step #2!
Can you tell someone who shall remain nameless has needed a humility check in the past?
As for workout advice, I keep it simple. “Stronger and longer every day.”
Make sure you can do more every day and do it for a longer period of time or with less rest.
This helps me with life in general too, not just exercise. Sometimes going stronger and longer every day means being emotionally available to your loved ones after work when you’re wiped out, etc…
Patrick Hayslett would like you to check out…Information is the New Currency – I Call B.S. !!!
Patrick-authenticity is soooo hard to practice, let alone master. We’ve all projected our crap onto others, but it’s never an excuse to not take a sobering look in the mirror and own our unattractive stuff. We all need a humility check. And I’m nothing but undyingly humble on Friday evenings during kickboxing with Jackie
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I like the emphasis on the intentional practice, whether in the gym or in the mind. I’d quote that ol’ standby-”No pain, no gain,” but then I’d just be authentically trite
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Thanks for sharing!
Linda,
Love your insights into authenticity. You’ve really exposed the phoniness and gotten down to brass tacks.
This statement gets at the culprit that we get drawn into: “Technology means we’re accustomed to the ‘edited’ truth behind social media and reality television.” It’s that sad notion that we aren’t good enough as we are. No one will like us unless we’re polished up, phonied up, or simply someone else.
Inauthenticity breeds inauthenticity. If we subscribe to it long enough, we simply lose who we are, becoming strangers to ourselves. A great post…thanks. ~Dawn
Thanks Dawn
. I’m all about brass tacks–although they inhabited my daily practice rather late in life, I’m afraid to say…Yeah, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about the tech thing lately–it’s getting increasingly difficult to reconcile online profiles with my ability to judge one’s character–including my own.
Great assvice Linda!
I find it kind of ironic that we are commenting about authenticity on one of the greatest modern inventions that allows us to avoid authenticity – the internet and all it’s wondrous complexities. There are so many opportunities to hide behind varying personas here, that I think we have to work extra hard to be our true selves.
Having said that – great list of ways to embrace authenticity and to continue to work towards an authentic and self-actualized life!
Workout tips for a positively powerful posterior – Run. Run lots. Run near, run far, run fast, run slow. Read Born to Run, then go run.
Born to Run? I’d google it, but that’d spoil the mystique. Yes, as I mentioned in Dawn’s post, a lot of this online communication stuff is starting to fray the nerves. Makes me want to run for the hills sometimes.
It’s nice being in regular contact with people like you that help me stay grounded.
Thanks Dan!
Linda Esposito would like you to check out…What John Wayne Can Teach Men About Depression
Linda,
I can authentically say that I’m jealous of this post. Amazing attention grab, great set-up, and then practical strategies and real-life applications. You put together the whole package, and really tackled an issue that I believe we all struggle with, at least some of the time. Coming home to our genuine selves, with all the joys and pains that includes, is a lifetime journey (at least for me). Thanks for framing it so well!
Warmly,
Ann
Ann Becker-Schutte, Ph.D. would like you to check out…Celebration Giveaway
Thanks for the kind words Ann! And you hit the nail on the head–living an authentic existence is no fly-by-night endeavor, but rather filled with joy, pain, missteps, and the like.
I appreciate your feedback
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Linda Esposito would like you to check out…Got Anxiety? 7 Minutes of Stress Relief and Relaxation
Another great post. It made me think of Catfish. That movie blew my mind. I think today we rely too much on the internet and technology to form relationships. This encourages people to be the exact opposite of authentic. It’s as if inventing another self has become fun, exciting, new, cool, the ultimate escape from reality. But is our reality really that painful? Why? And what does it mean to be your authentic self in an ever, fast changing world?
Great points, Elvita. It used to be that people moved to Los Angeles, CA to reinvent themselves…;), though I suppose this still happens. But yeah, it’s so easy to choose the most flattering FB profile, or online dating pic, edit those status updates until they’re “just so” and otherwise compose words that may be exactly opposite to your true feelings, your job, and your relationships.
If I’m not mistaken, there was a recent, thought unempirical study of FB and other social media sites contributing to depression as many of the viewers of the “happy and hot” feel worse about their lives, relationships and families.
TY for sharing your authentic views
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I use to write a lot about body image and, as you point out, so many of our issues are with the photoshop lies we see everyday, all day. Media Literacy is important, but frankly not enough when we’re inundated with fixed photos of how we should look, articles telling us about how not to age, how to lose weight, change shapes, keep our man happy. There’s a post I chose not to share this morning on the photoshopping/lightening of the skin of Beyonce for her new album. Bummer.
cherry woodburn would like you to check out…Day 11 Coming of Age at 62 | Believing in me
I think, or hope that many of us realize how prevalent photoshopping is nowadays. Not to sound catty, but I feel relieved when the occasional gossip mag prints celebrities w/out make-up…we all have “off” days, so why should anyone be excluded.
I say bring on the Beyonce photoshop post…
Linda Esposito would like you to check out…Secrets of a Boundary-Driven Life
Linda, this is a really good post and it got me thinking about a number of things I’m going through at the moment. I’m looking to get married and have been on a number of matrimonial websites for people who are of Indian origin.
As a person who stutters, at the level of the profile, I don’t put this on my profile, as I’m fearful it might put off some girls actually wanting to meet me. Once we do meet, I tell the girl on the first date and every single one I’ve told has been cool with it. However, I still worry about putting it on my profile. There are other factors in play, as I know there are usually more guys on these sites than girls, so there is much, much more competition. Therefore, you only get a brief chance to make good impression.
However, after reading your post I recognise this is an area I can make some improvements, especially with regards to what to write in my profile.
While we’re on the subject, if you know any ‘authentically’ pretty, educated and respectable Indian girl, who is looking to get hitched then feel free to put in a good word about me!
Hiten-
Thank you for sharing and for putting yourself out there. It’s a common dilemma when dating online–this comes up once in awhile in the therapy room…I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule, but I would ask how much of an issue is your stuttering.
If it’s very apparent, I may write something pertaining to social anxiety. We all have something, I’m prone to say. Also, since it doesn’t sound like your stuttering has been a big problem on first dates thus far, I might continue with the current practice of discussing this @ first meeting.
Another suggestion is to ask your date how they feel about you waiting until first meeting. This might open up an authentic conversation and lead to a more insightful understanding.
I’ll keep my eyes and ears open for a suitable candidate who’s not turned off by long-distances
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Linda would like you to check out…This Is Not My Butt…
Hi Linda,
Thanks for your comments. To be honest stuttering is not really that much of an issue. I think my hesitation to mention it in profiles is more to do with culture, as stuttering can still be a taboo area in certain Indian family circles.
I would still love to read a piece from you on social anxiety though!
Hiten would like you to check out…Bouncing Back from Interview Rejections
Soooo Hiten…why not just authentically state that stuttering is more of an Indian cultural taboo, and not an online issue? All cultures have their mores, beliefs, taboos…(of course, now I want to research the meaning of stuttering for Indians–my 1/2 ass-psychological interpretation is that it has to do with being different, or cursed by the gods, or deficient in some way…hmm). I’d love to learn a cultural thing or two. Maybe you can enlighten us about the specifics, and I can write a piece about social anxiety…
Such an inspiring article! I really like your point of authenticity. I think there aren’t any people who can say they’re really authentic. That’s a lie.
Catwoman would like you to check out…fogpótlás
Great article! So happy a friend forwarded this. Well, besides being completely envious of your post image, I would just add that a spot-on question I learned about being truthful is, would you accept your current life situation if you knew your reality would remain as is, forever?
[...] rather than log-off and call upon a real friend to offer some authentic perspective, they continue to click on page, after blissful [...]
Thanks for the post Linda.
My advice on authenticity as a public speaker is – when you tell stories about yourself that you hate to tell because they don’t make you look so good, audiences LOVE it! You actually connect better when your audience when you’re flawed than if you continued to try and demonstrate how perfect you are!
Thanks again for the post!
Kelly
I really think you should write a book. You manage to convey great information and advice in an elegant, easy to digest, entertaining package.
And I love that you used an actual person’s butt!
Daria would like you to check out…Thought Provoking Thursday ~ Do We Want A Politican In Office?