What John Wayne Can Teach Men About Depression
Guest post by Daniel A. Franz of www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com. To find out more about the business of being a male therapist in private practice, or to read The Private Practice Field Guide, go to www.DanielAFranz.com
“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” ~John Wayne
Long live The Duke.
An enduring icon who epitomized rugged masculinity, The Duke taught several generations what it meant to be a man. John Wayne was a tough, take no guff, shoot ‘em dead kind of guy on screen and off.
But The Duke had problems too – three marriages, two divorces, seven kids, a five-pack-a-day habit, lung cancer, and death from stomach cancer.
New research suggests there may be something in cigarette smoke that has antidepressant properties, which explains why cigarette smoking is much more common among depressed patients.
Hmm…was The Duke hiding something?
Yeah, The Duke had some issues. Just like you and me. But The Duke lived in simpler times.
Masculinity was clearly defined because, well, HE defined it!
Stress was easier to identify back in the day. Communism was the only enemy in the world, and the threat of nuclear annihilation pointed to a single direction.
The Duke didn’t do DirecTV, the computer, laptop, tablet, smart phone, and every other electronic device in-between.
The struggle to define modern day masculinity.
The world has changed. We live in uncertain economic times. The political atmosphere is questionable, and terror and strife exist throughout the world. Our home life is more difficult, too. We navigate dual-income families, stay-at-home dads, ambiguous household roles, and keeping-up-with-the-Jones’.
And then there are the kids…
Yeah, we have reason to be a little stressed. We have cause to fall victim to depression.
That’s right, Guys, I said it – the “D” word. Let me say it again – DEPRESSION.
Men and depression:
You just might be depressed. Statistically speaking, you, or one of the guys on your fantasy football team is depressed; a few struggle in their marriage; someone has problems with parenting, and a couple flounder on the 9-5.
“Whether you’re a company executive, a construction worker, a writer, a police officer, or a student; whether you are rich or poor; surrounded by loved ones or alone; you are not immune to depression. ” According to the National Institute of Mental Health, depression is a serious but treatable medical condition, affecting more than 6 million men each year in the United States, alone.
We’ve all got problems, and it’s not so easy to fix them anymore. You can’t just run ‘em over with a horse like The Duke. It’s a bad idea to try to drink or smoke them away, too. And I would guess you don’t want to be the guy in the locker room surpassing The Duke in marriages, right?
So what are you going to do about it, cowboy?
You can try to go it alone, or you can hit up a friend or two like The Duke did.
Or you can ask for help.
Not that expressing vulnerability is easy– especially when pride, bravado, and chauvinism get in the way.
But I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to ask for help. You just might need it. And I guarantee if you get the right kind of help, you will feel better.
The “right kind” of help is subjective, however – there’s a therapist’s style, education, gender, and myriad other variables to consider.
And when it comes to certain issues, it’s helpful to have another male perspective, though us male therapists are in short supply . Regardless, sometimes it’s easier to admit your weaknesses, flaws, and struggles to a man. A therapeutic relationship is quite different from the relationship with your college buddies, fishing pals, or workout partners.
A therapist won’t judge you. But he won’t let you hide behind those classic defense mechanisms like blame, pride, machismo, and “did you see the game last night?”
Why depression doesn’t have to define you.
If depression was less stigmatized in the 1950s, maybe John Wayne could’ve pioneered a new trail for men to talk about their depression and anxiety?
Perhaps a visit to a therapist would’ve saved the left lung and the four ribs he lost during his battle with addiction and subsequent lung cancer?
Long live The Duke.
And long live those men with the courage, the strength and the willingness to fight depression before it shoots them down.
You don’t need to go out with a blaze of glory.
You just need to pick up the phone.
Give it a try. It helps.
Guest post by Daniel A. Franz. To find out more about Dan’s counseling practice or read more of his articles on Mental Health, Wellness, and Parenting, check out www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com. To find out more about the business of being a male therapist in private practice, or to read The Private Practice Field Guide, go to www.DanielAFranz.com
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How can we encourage men to seek help for depression?
Do guys believe in talk therapy?
Thanks for stopping by,
~Linda
{Photo: John Wayne/True Grit}
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Nice guest post, Dan! It’s interesting. Guys will help each other carry a physical load. That’s even seen as manly. But what about helping each other carry an emotional load? It’s the same thing, just using different “muscles.” I like using The Duke as a call to action for this.
Jen Gresham would like you to check out…Stop the Drama
Hey Jen–
Wonderful point about the manliness of carrying an emotional load. I agree about the call to action: Big thanks to Dan Franz for bringin’ The Duke to the talk therapy world
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Linda Esposito would like you to check out…Why Anxiety Doesn’t Suck
Such a great point Jen!! It’s easy, even a bit ‘fun’, to say “sure, I’ll come flex my muscles and help you move,” but to ask another guy to “flex” his empathy and talk about your struggles – not as easy or “fun”. I feel pretty fortunate that I have a group of male friends that are able to that – and get this, they’re not even therapists!!! Maybe more of us are catching on?
Dan–
Where do you come up with these great one liners?
“…but to ask another guy to “flex” his empathy and talk about your struggles – not as easy or “fun;”.
We should start a campaign, and that could be our motto. I’m all for promoting men and mental illness awareness. Anything to get those empathy muscles fired up
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I think men have the habit of reacting in angry and hostile ways, instead of admitting they are sad, or stressed out. How are you supposed to tell if you ask him what’s wrong, and he just blows you off and refuses to open up?
More articles need to be written about this subject. Maybe men will eventually see that hiding behind anger and pretending “I can handle it” are cowardly responses.
There’s a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote out there to the effect that only when a person is beaten, battered and demoralized are they ready to learn something.
I think us men have a built in sense of denial, an “I can beat this” attitude. Why else do you practically have to drag me to the doctor’s half-dead before I’ll go? Why won’t I ask for directions? P.S. – When people keep saying “You’re such a man…” is that good, bad, or both lol
My mentor would be quick to remind me that doing these things I dislike is ultimately an admission of vulnerability. By our nature, I think men feel threatened by that. I know I do. I’m a strong, at times overbearing personality, and it took a talk therapist to give me a swift kick more times than I care to recount. But it has made all the difference.
The trouble is reaching the tipping point to get started. Once I did, I *wanted* to keep going and learning. I even go for couples counseling when things are fine between us as a “tune-up.”
Patrick, you just knocked that one out of the park!!! YES!! We have such an avoidance of vulnerability – so much so, that one prime example of male machismo is the ability to not only avoid it in ourselves, but to pick it out and ridicule it in others. It can be a very pack-animal mentality when you find the vulnerable one in a group of men – possibly something answered by the up-and-coming science of evolutionary psychology.
I think that goes along with what you said Janice – we don’t want to see our own vulnerability, even if we recognize hiding from it is cowardice. Personally, I believe it is part evolutionary – something hard-wired into our ‘lizard brain’, and part socio-cultural – attitudes and beliefs reinforced by what we are fed / consume in the media.
Dan would like you to check out…Mental Illness Warning Signs – Depression
Nice post, man.
I don’t think The Duke would approve of me saying this, but that five-pack-a-day habit sounds like a sorry excuse for not dealing with stress. It’s a well known fact that nicotine is more addictive than heroin, so ya, he may have had a few extra skeletons in his closet.
Hi Dan (and Linda). Great article.
I agree with you and the others about the male tendency to avoid these kinds of issues. That is no doubt the case.
But I actually think one of the biggest problems for men is that for a lot of the time we do not even recognise when there is something wrong.
There’s a whole long and damaging period, before we get to avoidance, when we are simply ignorant.
Janice says “How are you supposed to tell if you ask him what’s wrong, and he just blows you off and refuses to open up?”. Very often, I suspect, when you ask a man that question, he doesn’t think there is something wrong. That’s why he blows you off.
If I look around at the lives and experiences of the men I’ve known from my home town in the period since we were teenagers until our current middle age, then I could easily conclude that there is nothing abnormal about:
heavy drinking
casual drug taking
sex addiction
gambling
relationship breakdowns
divorces
multiple marriages
kids left without fathers
a little bit of violence
alchoholism
stress
burnout
bad moods
anger
obsessive working.
The perception that stuff is normal was probably handed down to us by our male ‘role models’ and, unfortunately, is probably being handed down by us .
I’m not in the violent, gambling, drunk category but, I have to be honest, I’m probably in the stressed, bad moods, obsessive worker camp. Only this morning (while writing this comment) my three year old daugher said to me “why do you have to work all the time daddy?”.
It took for me to be knocked into a virtual catatonic state by depression before I sought help. There was a period of avoidance, but there was also a long period of ignorance.
Keep up the good work Dan. The more education we can get out there on this, the better it has to be.
Martin would like you to check out…Sugar and Depression: the Steve McCrosskey update
Beautiful, yet sad, realization, Martin.
Yes, I would certainly agree, that many of us can tend to be quite ignorant of our own ‘symptoms’ before we can recognize there is a need for change or help. I can also admit that I have had to be awakened from my downward spiral of workaholism by a sad, shrugging little girl asking the same question. When I can’t answer that little girls’ question honestly, it’s time to make some changes.
Sometimes, just being aware that a problem might exist is enough to get us to the next step, making a change or asking for help. When it’s not, it takes the helpful and heartfelt intervention of a close friend or loved one to make a difference. Hopefully, as there are more of us who know about the dangers of depression, there are more of us who can help our peers before it gets to that point.
Thanks, Martin.
Dan would like you to check out…Be Healthy: it’s that simple
I enjoyed reading this post Dan. Depression was not even talked about back in John Wayne’s day as much as it is now. It’s OK to feel depressed, it happens to us all and it is not a medical emergency neither but we do need to feel comfortable getting help.
My understanding is that depression occurs when we undervalue ourselves in some way.
Justin | Personal Growth would like you to check out…Use Online Income to Meet your Financial Goals
Hey Justin–
Thanks for weighing in. You’re right–depression is normal, we all go through it, and it’s okay to feel down. Those self-defeating, negative thoughts are oftentimes what brings on depression. If untreated, unfortunately depression does turn into a medical emergency.
I’m grateful for guys like you willing to ‘man up’ and comment about something that should not be stigmatized.
Linda would like you to check out…A Critic, A Worrier, and a Perfectionist Walk Into A Bar…
Great post. I liked your points and enjoyed reading the comments and responses. There’s a lot to be learned through those. Dan, I’ve seen way too much of: …”one prime example of male machismo is the ability to not only avoid it in ourselves, but to pick it out and ridicule it in others. It can be a very pack-animal mentality when you find the vulnerable one in a group of men – possibly something answered by the up-and-coming science of evolutionary psychology.” It starts in childhood and kids can be merciless with the sensitive &/or emotional boy. It’s also done to girls but not usually in such a cruel way. At least we’re “expected” to be emotional. Cherry
Cherry Woodburn would like you to check out…Interview with Lena West of InfluenceExpansion | Confidence Chronicles
Hey Cherry–
Great point. Females are expected to be emotionally expressive, sometimes to our detriment. Interesting…research (and for the life of me I can’t come up with the source) shows that females are sometimes too willing to address their feelings, and this leads to “rumination” about their situation which may lead to depression/possibe “pathologizing.”
Regardless–men and women, males/females of all ages–it doesn’t matter IMHO, b/c we all need/deserve to have a safe haven to address our shit.
Thanks for weighing in. Thanks for taking the time to address mental health.
Linda would like you to check out…The Zen of Anxiety: How to Identify and Express Feelings
Hey Dan – Great post! I love that you brought the Duke to therapy!
What else is next ? LOL! Great points that his bravado was actually a persona developed (major obvious symptom) was actually a mask created to cover up quite alot of pathos and pain in his emotional life.
thanks, Kathy
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) would like you to check out…Infant Sleep Methods Part Five – Dr. Sears
Loved this post Dan. For me personally, probably the best thing I did was to seek help when I needed it. It removed all the typical ‘male barriers’. As I was reading your post it reminded me of guys in the West and yoga. A class I used to go to in the UK would be packed with around 15 woman and about 3 guys. For about 4-5 years, I used to be one of the 3 guys! Yoga is a such a wonderful practice to keep both mind and body in balance. However, guys won’t attend because there is a perception that it is ‘girly’.
Hiten would like you to check out…First National Conference on Stammering and Self-Help in India
Such a great point Hiten! I know our local yoga classes are the same – but we can change that by sharing our knowledge of how helpful yoga can be, and referring more men to it!
Hey Hiten-
Ditto on what Dan says. I think guys who do yoga are super sexy! Flexible body AND flexible mind.
Namaste.
Linda would like you to check out…The Zen of Anxiety: How to Identify and Express Feelings
According to my experiences, guys are just not so keen on talk therapy, not a single one of my boyfriends at least.
Hm…Yoga? Could that be THE solution? I have no idea, but I agree on the sexiness of men while doing yoga.
Hey Anna–
I think guys are more keen on talk therapy when they understand how it will benefit them. It’s not so much about resistance of discussing feelings, as much as not seeing the utility and subsequent rewards.
Hehe! Yoga. I don’t know about other places in the world, but as Hiten said above, it seems to be more acceptable in the U.S.
Mighty interesting blog you have there–I never would’ve imagined someone writing so interestingly about oral health. Reminds me that I need to schedule a cleaning
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Thanks for sharing
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Linda would like you to check out…Why Anxiety Doesn’t Suck
[...] why not turn that faux-celebratory stress and anxiety on its conspicuously consumeristic and over-the-top ass by trying to be [...]
What a great post Dan – funny, serious and clever, and thanks Linda for posting it.
I find that men come for therapy in the hope of finding a place to talk about vulnerabilities that they feel alone with. They don’t feel that they can talk with friends, family, girlfriend or wife because feeling vulnerable is just not manly.
However, when they do show vulnerabilities they show real strength and the women in their lives admire that and respond differently that expected. (This gives me goosebumps every times)
Dan, some men tell me that they feel more comfortable seeing a female therapist – what do you think that is about?
irenesavarese would like you to check out…Couples Therapy Is About Facing Our Fears
Irene–
Dan answers your last question in his mp3 interview with me from the soon-to-be-released, “How to Think Like a Shrink…”
. But since you’re a friend, I’ll hit you up on FB with the answer;).
Great post Dan! My husband finally admitted he is depressed and started taking meds. The stigma is hard in our culture regardless of gender, but it does seem harder for men to acknowledge than women. The whole fallacy of “real me” don’t get depressed really needs to be nipped in the bud. I think your post goes a long way toward doing that! I will definitely have my husband read it.
Thanks for sharing Daria. I hope husband is participating in talk therapy, too. It’s so common for men to want a quick solution for problems, and while that does have a practical side; understanding what lead to the depression and working though those issues are essential steps to feeling better.
If we look at society’s role in denying that men feel vulnerable and lost, we need look no farther than ads pushing alcohol. Many men come to therapy b/c “I think I drink too much,” versus “I feel lost and scared.”
Hello All!!
Sorry, I slacked a bit on my commenting duties…
So, if all you ladies find us yoga-stretching men ‘sexy’, why aren’t more guys out there doing it!! I’m turning this one back on you, and asking you to get the word out to more men to put down the weights for a little while and get in to the yoga studio! Of course, we can still return to the weights occasionally.
Irene – WONDERFUL point – and I won’t spoil Linda’s BIG REVEAL, but there are a lot of reasons men would rather talk to a women, some clinical, some not – just like there are plenty of reasons a woman would rather talk to a male therapist – some clinical, some not. The point being, if there is a heavy preference for a particular gender versus someone just trying to find the best therapist to fit their needs, I would explore that with them.
CONGRATS Daria!! Although that may sound strange, I always find it encouraging when people determine to get the help they need – especially when it is a man recognizing he needs help!