What Whitney Houston’s Death Can Teach Us About Parenting
“From the beginning, the camera and I were great friends. It loves me, and I love it.” Whitney Houston
The death of an American treasure is tragic.
The death of a childhood is equally devastating, in my therapeutic opinion.
But here’s the thing: The rest of us will move on. We’ll enjoy Whitney’s beautiful voice via CDs, iTunes, and youtube.com for eternity.
But Bobbi Kristina Brown lost her mother forever.
I have no idea what their relationship was like. There were rumors in May 2008 that a then-15 year old Bobbi Kristina attempted suicide after an argument with her mother. At the time of this writing, there’s new psychiatric hospitalization reports.
Regardless, I imagine being the byproduct of two self-destructive artists was no cake walk.
I’ll bet my license in clinical social work that this poor girl never had a chance at a nurturing, stable, and functional childhood, and beyond.
Because when your primary relationship is with the camera, the bottle, or the pipe there’s not much room for anyone else.
During clinical supervision with counseling interns I worry that I’m too judgmental of their client’s parents. But here’s THE OTHER THING: Whether the family issues are domestic violence, divorce or separation, substance abuse, finances, or lack of quality time, there is one clinical theme to reinforce:
Children have one shot at childhood.
It’s sad that we don’t stress that message more and hold egotistical parents accountable. All the money and privilege in the world will not tuck you in at night, or buy feelings of self-worth. Neglect as a form of child abuse can be just as painful as the rod.
I imagine fame and the accompanying accolades are hard to walk away from. It must take enormous discipline to fight the allure of stardom–especially the glory days.
But to walk away from, or sidestep your child-rearing duties?
Seriously?
You can’t find some semblance of glory when watching your toddler sleep, or by comforting your crying teen after her peer group shuns her?
The glory days are gone forever.
But, guess what?
There’s a mini, living, breathing, 1/2-of-your-DNA screaming for attention right in front of your bloodshot, weary, has-been eyes.
What about your kid’s glory days?
I pray that children of self-absorbed adults find a way to navigate this world and learn to self-parent themselves in a healthy manner.
May Bobbi Kristina Brown find a qualified grief therapist to reinforces the positive social supports in her life, and focus on her mother’s gifts, and the good that she passed on.
And Whitney Houston passed on a lot of important things in life.
The most tragic in my humble opinion, was the role of her Daughter’s Mother.
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How about you?
What’s your advice for moving beyond the glory days?
Please leave comments about this, Whitney Houston, or whatever inspires you in the box below.
Take care,
~Linda
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Wow, Linda. I have been living in a new blog cave this weekend and didn’t know Whitney Housten had died. I am sorry to hear it, not surprised but sorry.
You are so right. One shot. It’s all they have. And all we have of their childhood too.
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Sorry Alison–didn’t mean to be the bearer of bad news…but, tragically not surprising.
Parenting–hardest job in the world, and there’s no guarantee we’ll get it right, but there’s no excuse for not giving it your all. And yes, it’s a short shelf-life for us parents, too
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Show some eff-ing respect for the Queen of Pop.
Drake–
Not disrespecting the artist–only the unfinished job of being a parent. This wasn’t cancer or HIV/AIDS–it was an avoidable tragedy.
Thanks for your thoughts on this Linda. Neglect is definitely a damaging form of child abuse. I also think about so many other celebrities who may not have substance abuse issues, but they have precious little time to spend raising and hanging out with their kids. I’m sure there are many excellent celebrity parents, but I can’t imagine what it must be like as a kid growing up with super famous parents.
I thought your post was respectful in highlighting an important issue.
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Thanks for weighing in Uriah. I completely agree about the inherent challenges of parenting and fame. I don’t know how it feels to have papparazi recording your every move, and waiting/provoking you for “the get.” But like you said many celebrities get it right, so there’s no valid excuse for neglecting your kid(s).
Parenting is a verb. And it is THE hardest job I have ever had. And it isn’t just celebrities who make parenting errors. Often parents were never parented themselves and don’t know what healthy parenting looks or feels like. This is why, in my private practice, parents are in the room just as often as their kids. Parents have to learn what expectations are realistic and how to have healthy limits and boundaries. No one is a perfect parent, we can all just do our best and support those who love their children, but may not know how to parent them well.
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Great point about the true meaning and level of committment involved in parenting.
It’s true that fame, money and privilege will not buy you any parenting points if your heart is elsewhere.
Sometimes the weight of being in the therapy room and listening to the childhood issues that carried into adulthood is just plain heartbreaking
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In my view, parenting is my MOST important job. Those of us blessed to become parents experience some familiar and some unique challenges as we learn how to parent each child. As Susan stated, parenting is not easy. I imagine celebrities have their own set of challenges in this journey. No matter who we are, we need to recognize we may need help with our parenting – and that is ok!
Thank you, Linda for sharing your thoughts.
Linda,
Thanks for this article. It captured very well some of the ambivalence that I have been feeling since I heard the news of her death. And you did a powerful job of articulating the damage that can be caused by neglect.
Warmly,
Ann
Ann Becker-Schutte, Ph.D. would like you to check out…A Few Tips for Responding to a Pregnancy Loss
Hi Linda – Great post. So tragic, addiction is so damn tragic. And it seems to happen by accident, almost. I wonder if anyone really thinks they are going to turn into a lying, stealing, drug-seeking, extremely psychologically and physically ill addict. I think most people think the high is free, that this thing will never touch the real me. But then, slowly the real person inside dies, little by little. And what is left is a shell. Truly a shell. With some redeeming insights, but the drugs take those lucid moments away, chipping away little by little. And the people all around suffer. the children, the mothers….Whitney Houston at least had money to protect her, to pay for the rehabs…the addicts I see ..well the insurance runs out the first year and then it is just a fast downhill slide.
Parents, dont do drugs, that’s it. Dont.
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) would like you to check out…Valentines Post – And Baby Makes A Family
First, like your new site. It looks very good.
Second, in many ways agree with your post and also believe that, as Kathy pointed out, I don’t think Whitney Houston chose to be a drug addict. Once one is an addict, other things are hard to prioritize and saying, in essence, snap out of your addiction you have a kid, isn’t that simple. I’m not excusing her but, I believe, any neglect came from addiction rather that not being able to walk away from fame, (which Houston did for a number of years).
I don’t know Linda, I think you did a nice job but simplistic. And as a parent, I know how my demons – thankfully not addictions and neglect – played out with my kids. People do the best they can, which often isn’t good enough I agree. Cherry
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A sobering take on another celebrity tragedy. And, as you mentioned, an avoidable one. Thanks for pointing out the struggle of the children involved – I tend to think in terms of the tragedy for the addict, and what could have been done to prevent it, or change it. But, you are right, there are still people that have to go on in the wake of the tragedy. Hopefully they (she) find what they need to take a terrible event, and make it a strength in their lives moving forward.
Great job on this post Linda!
Parenting is the hardest job there is partly because our demons come into play.
Cherry, I am not sure that all people do their best when responsibility and integrity comes in short order. Being famous is probably contrary to living a life with integrity when showing a certain persona becomes more important than parenting.
Part of recovering from addiction is taking responsibility for own recovery.
I think we all need to rethink the “I am doing my best” idea and start looking inward as outward for understandings of who we are and what we can do.
Sorry about my rantings – I don’t know anything about Whitney and her parenting skills.
irenesavarese would like you to check out…Valentines Emergency Repair Kit For Couples
Irene: I love this line–wish I would’ve wrote it:
“Part of recovering from addiction is taking responsibility for own recovery. ”
Linda would like you to check out…This Is Not My Butt…
You make a very good point Irene.
I think what’s bothering me lies in the whole media literacy concept. We know she was an addict, she said that herself; same thing with an abusive relationship.
But all we know is the soudnbites and often exaggeration that comes from the papers. We don’t have a wider context in which to judge her day to day life with her daughter.
cherry woodburn would like you to check out…Day whatever Coming Of Age- Being Sick Amidst Foreign Furniture
Although I’m a big fan a Whitney, I cannot accept her private life for an idol. It’s okay, she had got a beautiful voice, and she sold 140millions records, but the things with the drugs and alcohol…I think that a gorgeous singer like her should behave like an idol for the teenagers…
Too bad we can’t choose our parents…
Just wanted to stop by to see how my dear friend is doing. Paging doctor Linda!
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Ana!
How lovely to see you here–I don’t recognize the new avatar, but lovely. Just lovely.
Yes, too bad we can’t choose our parents, but at least we can choose how we react to them. It’s just so sad when children have to parent themselves.
Okay, I have no idea what you mean about the ? of how to strip URLs from names…? Help Doctor Ana!
Linda would like you to check out…How to Think Like a Shrink: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Rookie Psychotherapy
When I add my name and then URL in your comment section, usually the name will become hyperlinked and lead to my site.
In your case, all the letters become capital and the name doesn’t get hyperlinked.
Makes sense?
Ana Hoffman would like you to check out…Conversion Optimization: How to Make More Money with Less Traffic?
Lol! You don’t want to know how many hours I spent combing forums for WP, commentluv, socialmediaexaminer to try and fix this little issue…
Finally had to throw in the Luddite-towel and hit up Mary Weise @NathalieLussier.com to bail me out….
Thanks for pointing out the hyperlink error and for making it clear. And thanks to all those amazing programmers out there who put it all together.
I should stick to the couch
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Linda Esposito would like you to check out…How to Think Like a Shrink: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Rookie Psychotherapy
Question: how do you strip the URLs from names?
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I had a lot of ambivalence when I heard Whitney had died, as well. While it’s tragic to lose a music icon, there was so much downward spiral that a part of me wondered if we all weren’t just mourning the passing of yet another crack-addict celebrity train wreck.
I don’t follow much of the celebrity life, so learning that her daughter had had attempted suicide was news to me, but not surprising. It brings to mind the quote from the Bible that the sins of the father would be visited on the children to seven generations. Well, if we’re raised by parents who have their own issues, all we do is inherit their issues, transmute them by our own experiences and interpretations, and pass them down to our children. One of the biggest contributors to a lot of my own personal healing was learning that the tradition of physical abuse in my family began five generations previously. I was able to let go of the belief that it was my fault, or because I was bad. It was an inherited cycle.
If we can’t heal ourselves, and as you say self-parent (I really like that concept!) in healthy ways, how can we ever expect to parent our own children in responsible and loving ways? With my daughter, I find within myself the mother I never had, and it’s really helped me a lot. I hope Whitney’s daughter finds her own path through the troubled legacy she’s inherited.
Delena–
Insightful comment, as always. Yes, abuse is insidious and often generations deep. Sometimes the patterns are so unconscious and automatic it appears like the abuse has a mind of its own.
I know a lot of people share your sentiment about Whitney and watching a train wreck. I got some flack for “not showing enough respect,” but I believe the truth shall set you free. Although, many cannot tolerate the truth, and go to great lengths to alter their reality through drugs, denial, and projecting the anger onto their children.
Bottom line: your kids are your kids and not the receptacle for your unresolved issues. Children are just as damaged as their addict-parent’s failing organs, weakened heart, lost memory, etc.
How lovely that you’re so committed to end the abusive cycle in your family. Your little girl is so blessed to have a mother like you
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Linda would like you to check out…This Is Not My Butt…
I love the new website theme Linda. Nice one!
I often think about the emotional states of children of celebrities who have drug addiction and alcohol related problems.
I don’t have kids yet, but I know enough to not allow personal ambitions to get in the way of raising them when I do. Somethings are far too important.
Hiten Vyas would like you to check out…Meditation session at Positive Provocations
Thanks Hiten! I’m very happy with the new theme, as well. I agree there’s just too many troubled children of celebrities out there…I say we launch a massive intervention. <–I'm only half-joking, btw
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Linda would like you to check out…Facebook: Happy Faces and Depressed Teens
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