Why I’m Divorcing Depression, and Embracing Anxiety

Honestly, we were never a compatible couple.

Here’s why:

In the beginning we complemented one another.  My Anxiety and Your Depression was all passion, uncertainty, and chemically-imbalanced bliss.

Sometimes it was difficult to tell us apart.

We shared some great times.

Remember how you joked that my frenetic energy and your lack of it would produce a kid with a perfectly balanced central nervous system? Or the time you referred to our apartment as the Dysfunction Junction?

Although a turbulent pair, we seemed to avoid implosion.

Until we imploded.

This is why our relationship disintegrated.

 Depression Worked When:

~We felt down and preferred avoidance over dealing with life.

~You sought seclusion, and I caved to Social Anxiety.

~We agreed that your awful childhood and subsequent “late start” in life entitled you to occasional self-pity.

Although all couples go through ups and downs, our relationship started to resemble a tortuous drive on a single lane highway. Talk about hairpin maneuvers and motion sickness.

We talked about a plan to gain control of our respective symptoms, but it was all talk.

It got really bad when I read that multiple studies show untreated clinical depression and anxiety wreaks havoc on the brain.

That really mobilized me to get help for anxiety.

I begged you to get off the Road to Nowhere.

You said freeways brought out the Social Anxiety Disorder in you…

Hmm, I wondered if you were trying to compete with my disorder.

Fine, you can have it.

 Depression Was No Longer an Option When:

~ I couldn’t “reason” you into doing things differently. When we tried to change each other, one of us stonewalled the other by threatening, “but you need to change first.”

~I got angry at my disorder for robbing me of precious emotional energy and decided to fight back.

~You resented my nervous “oomph” even though it enabled me to meet deadlines.

~You became increasingly irritated when I couldn’t explain exactly what was happening inside of me.

~You called me “histrionic” whenever heart palpitations, shortness of breath, chest pain, and nausea overtook me.

~We couldn’t socialize because of your low energy, feelings of hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness.

~I commented that excessive rumination about your depression was making it worse. You said, “I’m not ruminating. I’m thinking this through.”

~I stopped initiating sex when you swore antidepressants meant you weren’t “handling your shit.” Yes, I withheld intimacy as recklessly as an abusive parent withholds affection. I take responsibility for the manipulation.

~I vowed to do whatever it takes (including meds, psychotherapy, exercise, and meditation) to get a handle on my anxiety so that it no longer manages me.

~I became overwhelmed by your “stuck-ness” in the past.  It was rude and inconsiderate when I blurted that I wanted to kick your inner child’s little ass. That was hitting below the belt. I am sorry.

See, when you find yourself lacking compassion, acting snide, and judging loved ones, it’s time to move on.

It’s also a sign when someone won’t embrace the action necessary to change an unhealthy situation.

It was heartbreaking when you insisted that you never experienced true happiness.

But it wasn’t nearly as crushing as when you said there were no options to treat your depression.

There are always options in life.

Hence, the divorce papers.

Why I’m Embracing Anxiety:

This blog is best served by focusing on one central theme, or niche.

If I devote too much time to depression, the folks looking for antidotes to panic attacks may get stressed.

People searching for tips on dealing with the listlessness of depression may click the back button feeling left out.

And I can’t piss off the parents. Child rearing and anxiety fit together like the two-headed monster, at times.

Also, writing about the effects of depression on children is depressing. Especially when the symptoms revolve around unresolved inner child issues (which are just screaming and tantruming for attention, btw).

Although we never created a child, I hope you’ll focus that non-expended energy on getting to know your inner child. I pray you learn to self-soothe and practice healthy coping skills. It would be a bonus if you learned to lovingly “parent” yourself.

You deserve happiness.

In closing, you asked for the deciding factor in leaving.

What it all boils down to is this:

Anxiety is no walk in the park.

Anxiety is not always fun to be around.

Anxiety is exhausting to deal with.

But at the end of the weary day, anxious people mobilize internal and external resources to get the job done.

It’s as simple and convoluted as that.

I hope you don’t think I’m abandoning you. Please know that I’m always here for you, just not in an intimate way.

I wish you the best,

(A Little Less) Anxious (Everyday)

xoxo

P.S. I left a few depression links below, in case you’re interested.

• Depression screening test: PsychCentral.com
• PsycholoogyToday.com
• “Martin” is not a mental health professional, but he writes eloquently and honestly about his journey with depression: TooDepressed.com

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Your voice matters! Any depression tips, strategies, or resources you care to share?

Please enlighten in the comments box below.

Thanks for visiting,

~Linda

{Photo: andzwe via Flickr}